Friday, July 16, 2004

Start of something new

Today is the start of something new. I learned today what a blog was and figured this was a good format for me to do my journaling in. Not that I typically have anything important to say, I just journal to get some of the jumbled, racing thoughts out of my head to make room for new ones. But maybe someone will be able to relate to some of the things I think and post here. Maybe they won't feel so alone in the world as I always do.

Life has been so incredibly hard for me. Seems like it's so much harder for me than it is for everyone else around me. Am I doing something wrong? I must be, but I'm not sure what it is. I've been trying to figure things out since I was 13.....that was 23 years ago and I'm still no closer than I was back then. Am I just destined to be a miserable wretch my entire life?

I often think about destiny. Wonder if we truly control it or if it's predetermined for us. All of the therapists I've seen over the years have told me we control our own destiny. But yet, I often feel so out of control. I feel as if some other force is driving me in one direction, towards death. When I try to veer off that path and go in the direction everyone else tells me I should go in, that's when things get worse. The times when I've accepted my destiny, and begun to head directly down that path, are the only times I've felt at peace with myself, even if it was only briefly.

I feel my destiny is to die by my own hand. That it has never been a question of if, it's always been a question of when. To most that sounds like a copout. They think I'm just looking to take the easy way out, but I've never known suicide to be "easy". If it was so "easy", I would have done it by now. If it were so "easy", I bet more people would do it. There's a saying I found that I wish more people were aware of. It says "the time came when the pain it took to stay was greater than the pain it took to go". To me, that is the best description of suicide I have ever read. For someone to be at that point and to take their own life is far from "easy".

For a long time I had a nagging voice telling me things will get better. So I listened to that voice and I kept hoping they would, everyone kept telling me they would. It took awhile, but I finally realized that hope is a very dangerous thing. It just adds to the pain that's already there. How much pain can one person endure before it's ok to just give up? To try different treatments and medications, yet feel no relief, before it's ok to say I can't try anymore?

I've not given up though have I? I'm still here writing all this. I still go to my therapy appointments, I still go to DBT group, I still see my psychiatrist and I still take my medications. Guess I'm still looking for a reason to live.


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