Monday, March 03, 2014

Worried about my rapid cycling

I'm not sure if it's because I'm extremely sick with the flu or what, but my depression has been unbearable the last week or so. When I put it like that though, it couldn't just be because I'm sick. I didn't fall ill until Saturday and I've been struggling since last Sunday. Yesterday it was so horrible I was tempted to go to the hospital, but as always, it strikes at the worst time. My daughter and her boyfriend are on Spring Break and will be heading to Notre Dame so they can check things out because her boyfriend will probably be going there for Grad School. While they're gone, I'll be babysitting her bunny and there isn't anyone else that can volunteer to do that.

When I saw my pdoc last month, he was worried about my rapid cycling and made several suggestions on what we should do to get it under control. As always, his preference was to add Seroquel to my med mix again. With some reluctance I agreed, but he let me choose the dose I wanted and I went with a mild 50 mg. He apparently thought that was too low of a dose so he wrote the prescription out for 1 - 2 pills a day, which he didn't mention. I noticed it when I picked the script up from the pharmacy. One hasn't been helping me sleep, which is no doubt a huge contributor to my cycling and depression, but I took 2 yesterday and that didn't help either. It's hard to sleep when you can't breathe and your throat is extremely dry and scratchy. Maybe once this flu passes, the Seroquel will help level things out.

I did inform him that I was only going to take the Seroquel until the obsessive thoughts about how poisonous I think it is start screaming in my head again, as they always eventually do. I think he was happy that I agreed to take it, even if it might turn out to be a short term solution. I was just in the hospital in November, I don't want to go back to the days when I was going in multiple times a month or every 3-4 months, and I'm sure he doesn't want me in there that often either. Not when he sees Seroquel as a possible solution to the problem.

Whatever happens with my depression, I need to hold myself together until after March 18th. Out of desperation for ways to make extra money, I signed up to be an election judge again. I don't think this time it will be as overwhelming as it was when I worked the Presidential Election. This is just a Primary, and I don't think a lot of people care or see it as important as a major election, so I'm guessing there will be a lot of down time where we're just sitting around. 

I'm trying to get my polling place assignment changed. The one they assigned me to is quite a distance from my current home, which makes absolutely no sense because they've had my new address for months. If I still lived with the old people, it would be about a 15-20 minute drive, but at least it would only be in the next town over. It'd take me a good 45 minutes to an hour to get there from where I live now and given that we have to be there at 5 am? Um yeah, I'm really not happy with that. I pretty much live at the intersection of 4 different towns, they couldn't give me a job working in one of them? I suppose if they can't switch me, I could always just spend the night at my folks house so that I am closer. We'll see what happens. I left a message for the guy I need to talk to earlier today. Just waiting for him to call back.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Punish myself

Once again I have been proven to be nothing more than a gullible imbecile. I believed it when the guy I like said he wanted to hang out with me today, after asking to borrow my car to go to the store. I should have known better. All he wanted was to borrow my car. He had no desire whatsoever to spend any time with me. And yet, I fell for it. As I always do. Fuck my heart. 

Why don't I ever even listen to my head when it comes to matters of the heart? I know better and now I want to punish myself for being so fucking stupid. For wanting to believe that anyone could ever have any interest in me, even if it didn't extend beyond just a simple friendship. These days, even friendship is too much to ask for. To want. To desire.

I'm a piece of shit. I know this. And yet, I continually fool myself into believing people care. Why must I always torture myself this way?


Monday, February 10, 2014

A bit of what I've been up to

It's been awhile since I've written, so here's a bit of what I've been up to....

I went to my first Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting with the group that meets closest to my new home. I miss the old group I used to go to, but I was quite impressed with this new group. I've wanted to go for months, but anxiety and just plain laziness kept getting in the way. This past week I finally made myself go and I'm glad I did. I felt completely relaxed. Everyone was friendly and I had no problem introducing myself. They meet twice a month and I'm looking forward to going again in two weeks.


My Medicaid was cut off in September, but I finally got re-approved last month, though now I have what they call a spenddown and it's rather high, more than $500 a month. I don't understand the whole process, nor do I understand how Medicaid thinks I can afford to pay more than a third of my monthly income on medical bills when I have rent and other bills, plus food, gas, clothing, etc. to pay for as well.  I do know I've met my spenddown from this past October thru to the end of this month and possibly through the end of March as well. It left me with more than $800 in medical bills that I'm responsible for paying. I've paid all the smaller ones off already and set up a payment plan for one bill that was about $225. I still need to set up a payment plan for another that is $535. Luckily my case worker understands all this stuff and helps me get stuff submitted to Medicaid.

I'm getting beyond frustrated with several of my neighbors, to the point it makes me wish I hadn't moved in here. When I first interviewed to live here, I was told this place was for people with disabilities who were competent enough to live on their own. Quite a few of the residents have proven they aren't competent enough. Some are drinking themselves into oblivion almost daily. Others can't manage money and run around asking others for help when they don't have money at the end of the month because they've blown all theirs on stupid shit. Others don't understand boundaries, no matter how many times you remind them. I don't want to be friends with any of these people, other than a particular gentleman I've mentioned before, yet they confuse my politeness to mean I do want to be best buddies and listen to their bullshit.I could go on and on, but I'd better stop before I aggravate myself.

I suppose those are the highlights that have the most bearing on where I am mentally right now. Yes, I am still falling madly in love with a certain someone. I try not to think about him, but it does no good. He's always on my mind. I think he knows how I feel and is avoiding me, so maybe over time, as I see him less and less my feelings will just diminish on their own.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Shake myself free

2013 is finally over, and while 2014 is still in its infancy, I can already tell it's most likely going to be a year of confusion, with a healthy dose of disappointment added into the mix. It doesn't have to be, but in order to lessen the likelihood that will happen, I need to shake myself free of the growing desire I have for a particular gentleman. I need to stop following my heart and listen more to my brain. I know. Me? Listen to my brain? The one that deceives me every chance it gets? Unfortunately, this is one time when I think it's actually feeding me correct information. The two of us will never be more than just friends and I need to accept that.

If I can come to terms with that, I will probably be his best friend for a long time to come, or at least until he finds love with someone he wants to be with, which will probably be awhile since he has anxiety issues and I'm pretty much the only female he currently socializes with.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

I don't have a clue

How do you learn how to make love, learn to be completely comfortable in that moment, let go and just fully enjoy it, when all of your earliest lessons in sex were taught via molestation? This is the random thought I had a few minutes ago while I was outside smoking a cigarette. I realized that I don't have a clue. Actually I've known I haven't had a clue since the first time I had sex with someone I was in a relationship with. Sex for me has always been void of any emotion. Thinking back, this was true with my ex-hubby, even when I was still madly in love with him. It has always been just something you do, especially when you're in a relationship. I tend to see it as my duty. A chore. Like doing the dishes or taking a shower.

Not sure why this even came to mind. It literally just popped into my mind and now I can't stop thinking about it. I've had lots of sex, with lots of different guys, most of whom I didn't even bother to find out their names. They hit on me and I acquiesced to their desire to have sex with me. No emotion. Plenty of second thoughts after the fact, but I rarely ever said no to anyone.

I suppose I'm thinking about this because I'm still falling in love even though that love isn't being reciprocated. It's a confusing relationship, especially when he makes comments or does things that can easily be misconstrued as him having feelings for me. Especially when he calls me "hon", which he does kind of frequently or when he leans in closer to me, like he wants to kiss me, but then doesn't. I never know how to take these remarks and actions, so I try not to read too much into them. Though, if things should ever develop into a relationship, I want to be able to make love to him, not just have emotionless sex. He deserves it, and so do I.