Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Corner of loud and busy

The only time I really get the urge to blog anymore is when I'm gripped with depression. Most of the time I don't bother, and just go to bed. Today I figured I'd try writing and see if it helps clear my head any. I probably should go to bed considering it's almost 5 am, but I'll see if this helps bring the misery down to a more tolerable level, because right now my mind is swirling with thoughts I'd rather not entertain.

I've managed to keep myself out of the hospital since November of 2013. That's quite a feat for me. It's the longest period of time I've gone without seeing the inside of a psych ward since August of 2003. Does that mean I'm doing better? Not necessarily. Maybe better at making everyone believe I'm doing okay and holding my own, but certainly not better in terms of the amount of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation I deal with on a regular basis.

Haven't seen my pdoc since December or January. I was supposed to see him at the beginning of February, but I ended up taking off on a 3 week vacation the day I was supposed to go see him and I haven't bothered to call and schedule a new appointment. I probably should, but I haven't been taking my medications regularly, so I'm not sure there's any point. I try to take them, I just get caught up in weird sleep schedules and negative thinking, both of which hinder my ability to take them. The sleep schedule gets me confused on when to take them, especially the night time ones since my "night" varies from day to day. The negative thoughts keep me from accepting that it's a good idea for me to be taking them, particularly the MAOI. The last time I saw the pdoc, he bumped my MAOI up to six pills a day because the damn thing is only available in a 15 mg dose. Since I don't keep a normal daily schedule, it became next to impossible for me to take three pills twice a day (can't take them at bedtime because they could possibly keep me awake), so I stopped taking any. I have never had to follow the dietary restrictions that come with an MAOI, maybe because I was never on a very high dose, but that is another concern I have about swallowing six pills a day....I'll be forced to follow the diet, which I have no desire to. My go to snack food, aged cheeses like cheddar and bleu, are on the list of foods I shouldn't be eating because of the risk of a hypertensive crisis. Yes, my priorities are out of whack. Second only to chocolate, cheese is my favorite food and I'd rather be depressed & suicidal than have to give it up. 

But anyway....my vacation was stressful but fun. It was a working vacation, working on finding a place to live when I move out West. Still trying to figure things out, something that's difficult considering a serious lack of money, but it's something I really want to do. Where there's a will, there's a way. I'm considering having my brother talk to his landlord to see if we can make a deal for me to stay with him for a few months until I can find something else. I'm just not sure I could handle his location. I'm looking for laid back and quiet. He's the opposite and quite literally lives at the corner of loud and busy. Even if it's just temporary, I'm not sure I could handle the stress of moving so far AND moving to a place that's louder and busier than the corner I currently live on. We shall see.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

glad to see you writing again .. I suppose you need to compare the benefits of the medicine to the dietary restrictions. Is the MAOI helping with your depression? .. Where are you moving? I've lived in several places on the west coast.

9:30 AM, April 05, 2015  

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