Friday, November 22, 2013

Admitted defeat

Finally admitted defeat and had myself committed to the hospital for the last week. Talked my way out yesterday because I was just too frustrated to stay any longer. There wasn't much more they could do for me anyway. My pdoc switched most all my meds so now I'm on Nardil, Doxepin and Tegretol. The only one he didn't switch was the Ativan, though he did change it from three times a day to twice a day. I'm not too thrilled with that change, because while it was working for me in the hospital, there are many more triggers for my anxiety out in the real world. We'll see how it goes. I see him in three weeks, so if it's not working, I'll definitely let him know.

I was told by my case worker in the hospital that my "treatment team" was pushing for me to do a partial hospitalization program (PHP) once I was released, but I declined. Turns out that the only one pushing for that was my therapist. Before I even said how I felt about it, my pdoc said it wasn't a good idea for me to do it because it would only make me extremely frustrated and he's right. It wasn't that long ago that I did a PHP and I'm sure, even though the one my therapist wanted me to do is at a different location, that the information they'd cover would pretty much be the same. Especially since the location my therapist is at is affiliated with the hospital that I last did the PHP at in September/October of last year.

I do need to do something different, because the way things have been going just isn't working for me. I even journaled about some changes I'd like to make while I was inpatient. I'm interested in doing an anxiety group my therapist has mentioned before. I'd also like to try the DBSA group that meets closer to where I live now because I really liked the one that was near where I lived before. Not sure if they run things the same way, but I'd be curious to go and find out. I have had their meetings written on my calendar for the last several months, but really haven't made any effort to attend. Next month I will.

I kept to myself a lot while I was in the hospital. Partly because I found many of the other patients annoying, but mainly because I tend to go into caregiver mode whenever I'm inpatient. I become everyone else's therapist and spend little time paying attention to the reasons why I was admitted. It felt weird. I felt like I was being rude, but I knew it was something I needed to do to take care of myself. I did mention in a couple of groups that that was the reason why I seemed to be awfully quiet. Luckily there was another woman there that seemed to take over my duties, though she never did give me any advice.

Adjusting to being back home has been a bit of a struggle. I've slept a lot since I got home because I didn't sleep well when I was locked away. Think I got caught up, though I know you can never truly get caught up on missed sleep.

I think one of the things I'm struggling with is just being here alone. Even though the people in the hospital were pissing me off, I knew I wasn't alone and there was always someone to talk to if I chose to. I used to love living alone when I was younger, but I think that's because I didn't spend a whole lot of time at home. I was always out and about, either working or hanging out at the clubs, or just hanging with friends somewhere. Being here, I'm usually all alone. Sure I could reach out to people on FB and even call them, but more often than not I just feel completely cut off from the world. That's one of the things I need to change. I need to get over my anxieties and get out more. Hopefully the more I get out, the more friends I'll make and the more opportunities I'll have to get away from home.


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