Avoiding

To say I've been struggling for sometime with my depression would be the understatement of the year. Today it boiled over with a massive amount of crying in the dark and an assault on my body the likes of which I have not seen in years. I probably should go the ER and have the wounds stitched up, but I fear being admitted inpatient if I do and I can't go into the hospital right now, even if it's probably what I need.

I wrapped my arms with the gauze pads and other bandages the paramedics left behind the last time I tried to kill myself. Hopefully that will hold for a few days. I'm sure I'll be left with more ugly scars, but when your arms are already covered with them, the worst ones having come from when you were in the hospital, a few more really won't make a difference.

Having finally let some of those emotions out, I do feel a bit better, though certainly not well enough to function at a reasonable level. I will probably just stay in bed for the next few days, avoiding people. Avoiding my birthday. Avoiding food. Avoiding sunlight. Avoiding the medications that aren't working. Avoiding everything I guess. It might do me some good since I spent the several days being the center of attention and I am emotionally spent.