Ugly crying

I had an incredibly emotional visit with my therapist today. I was literally ugly crying in her office and I don't ugly cry in front of anyone, not even my daughter. I'm just so tired and exhausted from hauling this depression around with me, day after day, year after year.

I told her I went to the social group our building offers yesterday even though all I wanted to do was stay in bed. Turns out, I should have stayed in bed. They did this thing to help everyone get to know each other. They started with age 0 and you had to state something you remember from that age. Obviously the first few weren't memories, but people still listed what they might have done, like learn to walk or talk. 

So my first turn is age 9. Well gee...at age nine I was enduring some of the worst abuse of my life, from all angles. Parents, siblings, classmates, my molester and even a teacher. So I told them they didn't want to hear about that and passed.

The next time it came around to me the age was 22. Ah, 22. I was an alcoholic party girl who was more interested in clubbing, drinking and smoking than I was in food or holding down a job.

Next in line was 35. Well, well, well. Quite possibly the worst year of my life. That's the year I found out my exhubby was cheating on me and I threw him out. Then I had my first of many inpatient hospital stays, most of which were involuntary, after going completely off the deep end from which I've never recovered. Happy times.

This is how it goes for me. I try to do something positive, i.e. go to group to socialize since I tend to isolate, and all it does is trigger the negative.

I told my therapist about how alone I feel, which is what triggered the ugly crying. How I don't feel like I relate to the other residents. That I'm the outsider looking in. I've felt that way my entire life and it's lonely. Even when I'm a part of something, I can still feel that emptiness inside, the one that makes me "different" from everyone else.

I'm pretty sure if I hadn't specifically said I had no plans to kill myself, she would have sent me to the hospital. I told her I wasn't going to guarantee that I wouldn't self harm, but I wasn't interested in suicide. I'm just interested in sleep right now.