Draw a complete blank

Tonight I had planned on going to a DBSA meeting (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance), but with the amount of snow we currently have and the fact that it's still coming down, I'm going to pass. I have no problem driving in the snow myself, even with my rear wheel drive. I do, however, have a problem driving with everyone else that can't drive for shit on dry roads trying to drive on snowy roads at the same time as me. Like I always tell my daughter's boyfriend. When I tell him to be safe, it's not because I don't trust HIS driving, it's because I don't trust anyone else's.

I do have some NAMI stuff I can work on tonight instead. I also have a house that desperately needs cleaning, but I'm sure I'll just continue to ignore that mess for another few days. I've taken on the roll of handling our NAMI affiliate's Facebook page, since I'm on Facebook quite often as it is. It's been a slow start and I haven't done much, but I'm hoping to get things really going next month by regularly posting reminders of when upcoming support meetings are and other events. I know this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, so I've been posting items related to that.

Still stuck on the homework from my therapist. Glad, scared, surprised and disgust are harder to describe than I would have thought they would be. I just look at the words and draw a complete blank as to how to describe them or what they would feel like.

That may or may not be related to my memory loss, which continues to decline. There are times now where I'll forget how to drive my car even though I've been doing it for 10 years. I'll forget I need to use the clutch to shift gears. I'll forget where the knob for the windshield wipers are. I'll be talking and either completely say the wrong word for something (luckily my daughter can usually figure out what I meant to say) or I have to stop and describe the word I want to use because I can't think what it is. For example, I was at the cosmetic's counter and I needed some primer so I'm explaining to the woman that I needed that stuff that you put on before your make-up but after your moisturizer. For the life of me I couldn't think of the word primer. Or the time the old people and I were having clam chowder for dinner and the pot of it was sitting in front of me and we were talking about it but I couldn't remember the name so I had to ask them what this stuff was, even though I knew I knew.

For the time being I've given up fighting my pdoc on meds and know that I am probably over-medicated, though at this point in my life it probably no longer matters. The meds, ECT and all the other treatments have fried my brain to the point that I don't know if any more damage will effect it one way or another. I'm on 1000 mg Depakote, 100 mg Topamax, 300 mg Neurontin, 100 mg Zoloft, 10 mcg Cytomel and 2 mg Ativan. At least there is no Seroquel in the list and I usually get 10-12 hours of sleep a night, unless I'm having a manic attack and then who knows. Last time I was in the garage at 4:30 am looking through the boxes all my stuff has been stored in since I moved here looking for an old yearbook.