Sunday, July 29, 2012

Such a fool

I'm still having difficulty sleeping, and to be honest, I no longer think it's the lack-o-drugs that's causing the problem. I think it's just my own intense paranoia that the house is going to burn down or someone's going to break in and brutalize & kill me that is keeping me awake at night. Rational thoughts right? They seem rational to me, given where I live and the age of this house (the wiring is older than I am).

I've always been paranoid to be alone in this house. Even when I was young and supposedly sane. I just see too many weaknesses and very little security. It wouldn't take much to kick in the side door that enters into the kitchen. It'd be easy for someone to break a small section of the glass that runs along side the main door and reach in to unlock the deadbolt. If I were asleep in my room, I doubt I would hear someone do either one.

Two nights ago it wasn't so much those fears that kept me awake, though they were never far away. Instead, my brain decided it just had to relive every inpatient psych stay I've ever had. All 16 of them in vivid color, with sound and smell-o-vision for added misery. I desperately fought to move my focus elsewhere by doing relaxation techniques, but no such luck. I had to endure the horror of remembering every nasty little detail.

I still find it highly disturbing that I rarely ever have PTSD type flashbacks to the cruel abuse I suffered as a child, yet I often have them related to my treatment in the psychiatric system. I feel like such a fool for allowing all of this to happen.


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