Monday, June 18, 2012

Still questioning

Haven't been back to see the therapist after that second appointment scheduling screw-up. She did have me in her schedule for last Monday, but I called to cancel and said I'd call her back if and when I was ready to see her again. I'm still not sure if I'll ever go back. I'm still questioning what purpose it serves.

I've been questioning a lot of things lately. Are the current meds causing the tremor and involuntary movement of my right hand? Are the meds causing the progressively worsening memory loss? Has all this mental health "treatment" been the root cause behind the severity and duration of my symptoms? Will I return to the normal, functioning person I once was if I cease all treatment?

Beyond those, there are two questions/thoughts that have been rather bothersome lately. The first is: Will I eventually snap and actually kill someone? I can feel the homicidal bitch in me trying to get out, making it hard for me to leave the house and be around the general public without becoming enraged. I can no longer tolerate the stupidity and selfishness of other people. Most of the rage comes from having to share the road with a whole lot of fucking idiots, but there are plenty of other situations that make me want to kill someone.

The second question/thought I have, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before and it's more of a thought/image that sends me spiraling into a panic attack. Many times when I'm driving, usually on a bridge or under an overpass, I suddenly imagine what it would be like for that structure to suffer a catastrophic failure. The thoughts are extremely vivid. With the overpass, I can hear the crushing of my car. I can see the steel and concrete falling. I can feel the darkness closing in as the structure gets closer & closer to my car. It feels like an eternity, but I know it'd be over in seconds. Driving on a bridge over water is the worst. The bridge I was on over the weekend is relatively high above the water. During the plummet, I'd have too long of a time to think about being trapped in my car under water. I can feel myself holding my breath for as long as I can. When I can no longer hold my breath, I take in in the water and suffocate.

I've been trying not to let these thoughts scare me to the point where I'm no longer able to drive because I'm paralyzed by fear, but they can be so intrusive, so strong at times. Not sure how to make them stop. I try telling myself that the chances of such an event are rare, but I know they do happen. Maybe I should take some Ativan before getting behind the wheel. Lucky for me, it doesn't make me drowsy at all.


Blogger Kristy said...

medication caused my hands to tremor all the time where I had no fine motor skills. I stopped the meds my hands are fine. I hardly take meds only anti-psychotic prn and i better than I ever was on meds but that is me and everyone is different. I was so medicated that my moods would rapid cycle more. My moods are more defined without meds and pretty much can tell you when my mood will cycle

5:24 PM, June 18, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I go through moments of intense anxiety while driving sometimes because I picture just what you described and I do take my anti anxiety medicine to clam me down. But if this is an everyday thing then you should call your doctor. Best wishes.

6:48 AM, June 19, 2012  
Blogger Rob-bear said...

Hey; I like the questions that you are asking. The fact that you're asking those questions proves you are not crazy. Believe it or not.

The wrong kind of meds can do bad things to you. I'm glad you're asking about that.

I've had enough of medications, for now. I think they are holding me back at this particular point. So I am very slowly reducing some of my meds. I probably won't know for a couple of weeks how I am doing.

I've lived with ongoing depression since my teens. I'm bloody tired of it. I want out. NOW! It sounds to me that you're about the same. Maybe we can help each other. Maybe not, but who knows?

8:24 PM, June 27, 2012  

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