Saturday, April 28, 2012

Completely paranoid

Even when my mind isn't in complete chaos and trying to get me to kill myself every second of the day, I still struggle with other symptoms. Over the last month I have become completely paranoid about car accidents, bridges collapsing, el trains flying off their tracks and other morbid ways to die or be maimed for life. 

When I'm about to pass a car going in the opposite direction, I can't help but I imagine what that would feel like if one of us were to cross the line and slam head on. I get a very vivid, almost real, picture involving all my senses of what that would be like. I can hear the sound of crushing metal. I can feel the intense fear and panic in those few seconds just before the collision. I can smell the engine fluids being released into the air. I can hear and feel the airbags as they deploy. It's scary.

Same thing with the bridges and overpasses. I completely panicked on my way home from my daughter's choir concert on Monday because I had to go under the overpass of a major highway that is under construction. I could picture it falling and crushing my car, the way the highway in California collapsed upon itself during the Northridge earthquake in 1994. When I'm on a bridge, I can't help but think of the collapse of the i-35 bridge in Minnesota that fell into the Mississippi River.

It almost feels as if something or someone is trying to send me a message. "We want you dead and because you're not actively thinking of your own demise, we're going to get rid of you in a horrific accident". I really don't want to be afraid of driving, because that would greatly hinder my ability to get out of the house, but if these paranoid thoughts get any worse, or if I read about something like that happening somewhere else, I can kiss my freedom goodbye.

2 Comments:

Blogger FishRobber said...

I've had something similar to this, probably more when I was driving the truck, but it still continues. It starts as just daydreaming I guess, but it feels so real, it's like being sucked into a trance-like experience.

I think people like us are just a little more imaginative than others, and we tend to have darker thoughts sometimes, so it seems natural that we would be obsessed with death and destruction.

I hope it doesn't affect you too adversely. When I do this, I try to remind myself of probabilities and statistics that tell me nothing bad will happen, but I know it is difficult to break that train of thought. (no irony intended!)

10:01 AM, April 29, 2012  
Blogger Sid said...

I try to remind myself that it isn't likely to happen, but then I immediately think, if it were to happen, it would happen to me, that's my kind of luck. I'm trying to not let it get to the point where I can no longer drive my car, but I can tell things are headed that way.

3:08 PM, April 30, 2012  

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