Sunday, April 15, 2012

Teary-eyed twit

Yesterday I spent the entire day at a cheerleading competition my nieces took part in. Surprisingly I didn't have any panic attacks. In fact I didn't feel any anxiety at all while I was there. I shouldn't be surprised though. I usually do okay in crowded places. The only times large crowds worry me is when people are so packed together that I can't move freely, in stores with narrow, crowded aisles (Walmart) or if the place has low ceilings. Of course there are plenty of other times when there is no crowd or even other people around that send me into a panic for no apparent reason, which is always fun...NOT!

After two weeks, I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow and I'm nervous as always. It's been two weeks because she was going out of town for Easter and wasn't coming back until late on Monday. She offered an appointment for Wednesday or Friday, as she always does, and I politely declined as I always do. I'd rather wait an extra week or two and see her on Monday so that what little schedule I do have in my life stays put. Besides, there's nothing worth talking about. There's never anything to talk about and I keep trying to persuade myself to quit, but still haven't managed to do so permanently.

Overall, I'm doing okay. My mood has been holding at the same place for awhile now. Still feel little, if anything, but still find myself crying over every little thing. And I do mean EVERYTHING! It feels like I'm single-handedly keeping Kleenex in business. What's weird is that when I feel like I really need to cry, nothing happens. Couldn't make myself cry if my life depended on it. Instead the tears come when I least expect them. Even when I do expect them and try to steel myself against their flow, they still come anyway. I feel like some teary-eyed twit that would cry over stepping on an ant. It's frustrating.

This is the first weekend this year that my daughter didn't come home from college. I did see her yesterday because she came down to the cheerleading competition, which was close to her place. Today she spent the day hunting for apartments with her boyfriend. I don't remember why, but she was in a neighborhood about 20-30 mins south of her school. In walking around there and seeing the houses, apartment buildings and all the restaurants and shops, she's decided that they are going to extend their hunt to neighborhoods farther away from her college. Every student gets an unlimited CTA pass to ride the subway, el and bus, and since there is both an el stop and a bus stop right by her college, there's no need to limit her prospects to the couple of blocks around the school she was looking at. Of course this is something I mentioned to her awhile ago, but like a typical kid, she didn't listen.

I'm hoping to make arrangements for her to stay on campus next weekend too, but I know she wants to come home so she can go to some introductory archery class a one of those Cabella's sporting good stores. Neither of us has ever been inside the store, so we're surprised to learn there's actually an area where you can practice archery. If she does come home and insists we go, I just might try it myself. I may not be able to own a gun, but I'm not banned from a bow and arrows.


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