Monday, April 02, 2012

Next phase

Day 2 and I'm so not feeling the two prompts I've been given as possible subjects for my posts. Yesterday it was to create a time capsule of your stories, your life. Today it is pick a quote that inspires you. With the time capsule I couldn't really think of anything to write, especially since I feel as if my whole blog is a time capsule. It has shown where I've been over the last 8 years, not just in regards to my mental health, but also as a mother and where I've physically journeyed (trips to NYC, Myrtle Beach and other places).

As for a quote that inspires me, be it in a positive or negative way, there are far too many that I like and trying to choose just one seemed far too difficult a task to focus on when my thoughts are all muddled and cloudy.

I suppose I should write a little bit about what my therapist and I discussed binge eating. Self harm can wear many masks, something I've learned the hard way. First was cutting, then it was liquor and now it is binge eating. In just the last six months I've probably packed on 30-40 lbs. It's disgusting and I can't stand to see myself in the mirror, but I also can't seem to stop. Even when I don't want to eat, have no appetite for food, I find myself looking to see what I can shove down my throat.

Of course her question was what void am I trying to fill with the food. I'm not so sure it's a void, but rather a way to keep my emotions stuffed away. For the last several months I either feel absolutely nothing or I'm homicidal, and yet I break into tears over every little thing. I cry whenever I see something that is happy or sad. Someone wins a car on The Price is Right and I'm weeping like a baby. Someone gets murdered in a fictional film and I start sobbing uncontrollably. It's rather pathetic, especially since I've never been the over emotional type. Most of the audience came out crying after ET went home or when Jack died in Titanic, and I was laughing at them, telling them it was just a movie.

Maybe I'll get lucky and the next phase of self harm will move from food to exercise. I think I'd rather exercise too much than weigh too much. No danger of that happening just yet. I'd need to lose a ton of weight before it became a health risk.


Blogger Kristy said...

When i'm in a mixed mood I will cry over anything and I don't cry hardle at all. It is distrubing. Then I cycle out of my mood and back to normal.

6:37 AM, April 03, 2012  

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