Thursday, January 19, 2012

Pathetic standstill

Spent half the day trying to get caught up on reading other blogs and I'm glad I did, it was good to see what others have been up to, even the negative stuff. I know I say it all the time, but I do want to devote more time to the whole blogging thing again, I just can't seem to motivate myself to do it. Can't seem to motivate myself to do much of anything anymore except play those mind numbing games on Facebook or my newest addiction, Pinterest.

My life has come to a pathetic standstill and I'm not sure what it will take to get me moving again. The sheer thought of having to be out and about everyday, or even just a couple days a week, interacting with others scares me to death and I immediately feel my anxiety level rising. I try to run all my errands for the week in one day otherwise I start to become too overwhelmed being around other people.

I am giving myself a year to get things together, because this time next year I want to be on the hunt for a job. I know I mentioned a couple of posts back that I'd look in November/December of this year, but I think it's best to just wait until mid-January. Why? Because I'm slowly saving money to take my daughter to Disney World for her 21st birthday with her best friend and her boyfriend (they're both helping pay as well). We're planning to do it as cheaply as possible by driving down in one night and staying at one of the cheaper hotels. We'll also save money because we're going during the off season. If I started a job in say November, I don't think they'd be happy with me suddenly taking off work for a week or so two months later. So it's best to just wait it out.

Of course if I can't learn to control my anxiety and anger every time I'm forced to be around the general public, I'm going to be stuck on disability for a long time to come. I'm not sure what the trigger is and why it's so bad. If I don't think about it, I can usually get out of the house without having a panic attack. But if for some reason my mind starts fixating on the fact that I'll be around others, I start to panic and make every excuse in the book to just stay home. Part of it is a mild fear of germs, especially since it's cold & flu season, but mostly it's because I have very little patient for stupidity lately. I can't handle the way people drive. I can't stand when they block the aisle in the grocery store. Stuff like that.

Used to be a time when I'd just let it slide and go about my own business, but now I'm much more likely to be confrontational. I'll yell at someone to move the fuck out of the way and remind them they aren't the only person in the store or the world. When I'm driving, I feel like ramming my car into all these stupid people that keep cutting me off because they can't drive and/or don't know where they're going.

I know I'm letting things get to me that I shouldn't, but I'm not sure how to stop it. Guess that's something I can work on in therapy. I'm sure my therapist will be happy to work on something for a change instead of just chit-chatting all the time. I'm not sure if she's yet realized that talking about my daughter all the time, which is what we've done for the last couple of months, is merely an avoidance technique I use to deflect attention off myself and my problems. You'd think she would know that, since she is the one that went to school to be a therapist, but she hasn't said anything yet. Hasn't said anything about how we should really get back to discussing me and until she does, I'm content to say nothing.


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