Revealed too much

Ever feel like you've revealed too much about yourself to your therapist and now you're too anxious and embarrassed to go back? Yeah, that's how I feel. Because of the mania, I was overly talkative during our session on Monday and I ended up telling her things I have never told anyone. Filled her in on my postpartum psychosis days and how I wanted to kill my child and myself back then. How it was sheer luck that the exhubby was running late for work the one day I think I was far enough gone that I would have actually done it.

I never even told the psychologist that was supposed to be helping me at the time about wanting to kill my own child, why did I have to share it with her now? I know they would have taken my baby away from me back then, but that baby is now an adult, so maybe that plays into it. But I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so I can't seem to comprehend why I came clean or even how we got on that subject.

I keep thinking about that conversation and where it might lead. Does she think I'm going to spill more stuff? Did she write down in my chart that I was a potential baby killer in 1992? Are the people they send to watch me going to keep a closer eye on me because of that and the fact that I recently told her, my pdoc and wrote here that I was feeling homicidal at times? Is there another "self", like the ones I wrote about here, inside of me that is just now coming forward that's going to spill all of my secrets? If so, why didn't the others shut it up?

The swirl of thoughts about what has happened and what other life events might be revealed to the T are causing a great deal of anxiety. I haven't yet picked up the phone to cancel our appointment for Monday, but it is getting more difficult to resist the urge.

I know none of this makes sense. Spilling your guts is what therapy is about. It's about unloading all your baggage so you can live without such a heavy burden weighing you down. But for me it just keeps coming back to that lack of trust. What if she uses what I say against me? That's happened more often than not. Even for little things I say that people completely misinterpret. Being diagnosed as mentally ill, everything now comes down to my word against theirs, and I'm on the losing end of that battle no matter what.

The change in meds has had some impact, but I don't feel as stable as he made it sound I would be and I need to be stable. I'm supposed to be going out of town with my daughter, her boyfriend and his family for Thanksgiving, though last I heard that was no longer a sure thing. But if it does happen, I don't want to end up hiding in my room all day avoiding everyone because I'm too depressed. And I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate me dominating the conversation and interrupting everyone when they're talking if I'm manic.

In other news. my short term memory continues to deteriorate, so much so that I gave my own money to a gas station because I thought they had given me too much change back. Later I found out it actually was my money. I had totally and completely forgotten that I'd stopped at the bank to cash a check I'd been given for my birthday that's been sitting around here for weeks. I'd feel like an ass going back there now and saying, "Remember that $20 I gave you on Tuesday because I thought you gave me too much change back when I was here on Monday and I didn't want karma biting me in the ass for keeping money that wasn't mine? That actually was my money, I was just too stupid to realize it and I want it back."

I don't know if it's the meds causing all this memory loss, but if it continues to worsen, I'm going to have to make my daughter my legal guardian or I won't have any money left!