Friday, November 18, 2011

Revealed too much

Ever feel like you've revealed too much about yourself to your therapist and now you're too anxious and embarrassed to go back? Yeah, that's how I feel. Because of the mania, I was overly talkative during our session on Monday and I ended up telling her things I have never told anyone. Filled her in on my postpartum psychosis days and how I wanted to kill my child and myself back then. How it was sheer luck that the exhubby was running late for work the one day I think I was far enough gone that I would have actually done it.

I never even told the psychologist that was supposed to be helping me at the time about wanting to kill my own child, why did I have to share it with her now? I know they would have taken my baby away from me back then, but that baby is now an adult, so maybe that plays into it. But I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so I can't seem to comprehend why I came clean or even how we got on that subject.

I keep thinking about that conversation and where it might lead. Does she think I'm going to spill more stuff? Did she write down in my chart that I was a potential baby killer in 1992? Are the people they send to watch me going to keep a closer eye on me because of that and the fact that I recently told her, my pdoc and wrote here that I was feeling homicidal at times? Is there another "self", like the ones I wrote about here, inside of me that is just now coming forward that's going to spill all of my secrets? If so, why didn't the others shut it up?

The swirl of thoughts about what has happened and what other life events might be revealed to the T are causing a great deal of anxiety. I haven't yet picked up the phone to cancel our appointment for Monday, but it is getting more difficult to resist the urge.

I know none of this makes sense. Spilling your guts is what therapy is about. It's about unloading all your baggage so you can live without such a heavy burden weighing you down. But for me it just keeps coming back to that lack of trust. What if she uses what I say against me? That's happened more often than not. Even for little things I say that people completely misinterpret. Being diagnosed as mentally ill, everything now comes down to my word against theirs, and I'm on the losing end of that battle no matter what.

The change in meds has had some impact, but I don't feel as stable as he made it sound I would be and I need to be stable. I'm supposed to be going out of town with my daughter, her boyfriend and his family for Thanksgiving, though last I heard that was no longer a sure thing. But if it does happen, I don't want to end up hiding in my room all day avoiding everyone because I'm too depressed. And I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate me dominating the conversation and interrupting everyone when they're talking if I'm manic.

In other news. my short term memory continues to deteriorate, so much so that I gave my own money to a gas station because I thought they had given me too much change back. Later I found out it actually was my money. I had totally and completely forgotten that I'd stopped at the bank to cash a check I'd been given for my birthday that's been sitting around here for weeks. I'd feel like an ass going back there now and saying, "Remember that $20 I gave you on Tuesday because I thought you gave me too much change back when I was here on Monday and I didn't want karma biting me in the ass for keeping money that wasn't mine? That actually was my money, I was just too stupid to realize it and I want it back."

I don't know if it's the meds causing all this memory loss, but if it continues to worsen, I'm going to have to make my daughter my legal guardian or I won't have any money left!


Blogger The Girl From Back Then said...

I know it's hard not to obsess and worry but I am sure she has heard worse. That's not to say what you went through wasn't traumatic and impossible, but this is what she is for. What she completed her training for. Perhaps you are only confiding this now because only now are you able to fully process what happened. When we're in the midst of something bigger than we are, it's easier to push it away, deal with it later when we're not so immediate. Give ourselves some headspace, it's how we don't go mad, off the boil.

If she was to treat you any differently because of it then that would be bad practice. But by the same token I know how you are probably feeling; exposed, vulnerable, like she could do anything with that information.

Ignore the doubt, and the worry, what does your heart say is the next step to take?

4:03 AM, November 19, 2011  
Anonymous Purple said...

I agree with the above commenter. I think it's great that you were able to tell her this Sid. I hope that your therapist will help you work through this very painful experience.

6:51 PM, November 20, 2011  
Blogger NormalWasNotMyGoal said...

I get the post-therapy regrets, I even have post-text regrets with my therapist. But after the initial what-the-hell-was-I-thinking feeling, it usually feels better, and then there's even more progress.

Hope you're doing better.

11:45 AM, November 21, 2011  
Anonymous Purple Pineapple said...

Hey Sid....just wanted to say hi and hope you're doing okay.

12:20 PM, December 11, 2011  
Blogger Psych Client said...

I have many therapy regrets and major fears about what is written down. its driven me in the past to get copies of my records which sent my therapy even more over the edge. all I can offer you is the truth talk to her about your. fears. otherwise it will swallow you whole.
ask her what if anything happens next I bet you will be surprised when she says nothing happens.
you are there to share and she is there to help you sort everything out

8:55 PM, December 23, 2011  

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