Monday, August 08, 2011

Off medications

After my last post, I spent the rest of the week in bed sick and on Saturday I made the decision to go off all medications, except the stuff I take for acid reflux. With the symptoms I was experiencing, I could tell that my body was still reacting to something or possibly having a new reaction to the Tofranil. Since there was no way to discern which it was, I figured I'd stop taking everything and see what happens. Today I'm finally starting to feel better.

When I told my therapist about stopping the medications, she immediately asked if I'd told my pdoc about my decision. Of course I hadn't. She then asked if I'd sign a release so she could talk to him for me, an offer which I promptly declined. I know he wouldn't approve of me being off medications. Besides, I haven't decided yet if I plan to stay off them or go back on them one at a time to see which one is giving me problems. Until I make that choice, I don't feel there's any reason to alert the pdoc.

A part of me doesn't want to go back on them, the part that desperately wants to feel alive again, like I did in June before I ended up in the hospital. I want to feel high on life and dream of the possibilities that await me instead of dreading every second of consciousness because I'm not dead yet. If I can balance the high with getting enough sleep, I think I'd be okay. Think I'd be able to maintain sanity and possibly return to being a contributing member of society. Get a place of my own and leave the last 8 years of hell behind me.

When I think back to how I felt in June, I can't help but think it proves my point that the drugs are what has caused all the psychosis, severe depression, dissociating and just plain dead feeling. Once I was off the medications I felt human again. Had I been able to sleep, I don't think I would have gotten so manic.

My therapist thinks I'll need to transition slowly from disabled to working, but I don't see how that could happen. Either I'm disabled or I'm not, I don't see an inbetween phase anywhere in there. If I don't go back on the meds and I'm stable, I need to get off my ass and get working full time, that's all there is to it.


Blogger FishRobber said...

please be careful doing this ... you know your body and your mind, but I can't help but worry. ... "had I been able to sleep, I don't think I would have gotten so manic." - what if the insomnia and mania are coincident, and one feeds the other?
not telling you what to do, just worried. -RF

7:54 PM, August 09, 2011  
Blogger sansanity said...

I think I echo the sentiment of FishRobber and am worried about you.

I only wish your pdoc was more supportive because I know for me when we withdrew all the meds and slowly added back minimums one at a time, the side effects stopped kicking my ass and life got better.

there is a point at which the side effects make you more depressed than the depression so I understand your desire.

just be careful and be HONEST with yourself about where you are. Or at least have a person you trust be able to say that the decision is not working out if necessary.

6:17 AM, August 10, 2011  
Blogger eternalvow7 said...

I agree with the past comments. One should be careful when taking off meds abruptly.But I also acknowledge your desire to be "human" again. We all want that, don't we?

Anyways, good luck with this decision of yours and I hope that you can keep it all together.

If you don't mind, I would like to ask a favor from you. Can you evaluate this counseling site? I need other people's opinions whether their services could deliver well for our mental needs. Thank you so much. Have a nice day.

12:17 PM, September 06, 2011  
Anonymous Counselling Southampton said...

I definitely agree with all the comments underlying this context. We should be definitely manage to take care of our self specially in taking drugs. You should be guided by an expert or a doctor.

12:34 AM, September 27, 2011  

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