Monday, July 04, 2011

Beginning to crash

After being on a manic high for weeks, I'm beginning to crash...HARD. Wish I knew what the exact cause was, but I know one of the contributing factors is not being able to sleep again. Temazepam and flurazepam haven't worked, not even when I took the two of them together for several nights in a row. It's frustrating because all the medications that knock everyone else out cold have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.

The only thing I seem to be capable of the last couple of days is crying and I'm doing everything I can to suppress the urge. I don't want to cry because I'm afraid I'll get sucked into the negative emotions I know are lurking below the surface and soon I'll be drowning in them. That won't lead anywhere good, I know this from past experience.

Besides the crying, the only other emotion is rage and I'm trying to suppress that one even more because I'm afraid if I don't, I'll hurt someone else. No one in particular, just some random fucking shithead that deserves it, like the bitch that nearly ran me over when she ran a stop sign in the parking lot at the grocery store while talking on her cellphone. The bitch had her young daughter in the car with her, or I probably would have beat the crap out of her.

I plan to call my pdoc tomorrow and see if I can get an earlier appointment than the one I have in two weeks, but I'm not going to hold my breath that I actually do. I know how quickly his schedule fills up. If things keep going the way they currently are, there is no way I'm going to make it two weeks without hurting myself.


Blogger Normalwasnotmygoal said...

I've got to imagine that the not-sleeping must add to the crash. It may not start the crash, but it certainly adds to it.

I hope you find something that helps. It's a crappy place to be.

8:20 AM, July 05, 2011  
Blogger Sheri said...

I hope your pdoc can help you, I know how horrible that crashing is. Hang on. {{{hugs}}}

10:16 AM, July 05, 2011  

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