Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Go and fly

It's 3 am again and today I feel like I could fly. I keep obsessing over where the nearest structure is that is high enough for me to swan dive of off. I want to see how long I'd float through the air. Skydiving would be nice, but there are no skydiving places open at 3 am.

I'm not suicidal, I just truly want to go flying right now. Maybe it's the mania that's plagued me since the 14th. I've gotten a lot accomplished since then. The house is immaculate. I've cleaned things that probably haven't been cleaned since I moved in here 7 years ago and I'm not done. The list keeps growing.

That damned list in my head. Right now, at the head of the list is flying. Things are supposed to be done in order, flying can't jump to the front of the line. The next thing on the list was to clean out the cupboard above my desk and reorganize it. I told my therapist I'd do the list in order. But the urge to fly is so incredibly overwhelming. It's driving my anxiety through the roof. I'm physically shaking and my hands are cold & clammy because I'm fighting against the urge to jump in my car and find a place to fly.

Not sure what to do. My brain says go and fly...


Blogger Walkingborder (Karen) said...

Yep, you are right... total mania. Which is actually more dangerous than the depression. (Most people, though not so much you, chicken out at the idea of suicide that comes with the depressive. But some with mania think they actually can fly and then end up accidentally killing themselves.)

May I suggest channeling it into bungee jumping or sky diving. Something with a safety measure (and instructor) but will allow the free fall.

12:58 PM, June 21, 2011  
Blogger Sairs said...

Oh I get what you mean, I too right am also manic, but so far mine has been rhyming songs that go for an hour at 5am, that is accompanied by crazy leg kicking dances, just enough to drive my husband up the wall. I also have been waking at 3am and this has been going on for the last few weeks. The only thing that calms me is knitting. Yes, I know! I taught myself a week ago and now have an almost scarf. I have also been playing around with my meds because right now I am between psychiatrists until next monday. What better way to help than to reduce your mood stablisers. Fantastic. I might soon be able to fly too. My reasoning the mood stablisers is I can't afford them anymore and I am still on lithium and seroquel. I have also been getting random piercings. The last of which fell out four days later, after spending $50 on it, because I was dancing and the ball came off the top. I had to pull it out because my dancing was in such a large area that it could be anywhere ! I am so broke now because I keep buying things. Yep, I have it too. I hope you get better soon.

3:16 PM, June 21, 2011  

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