Gist of it

"After you left last week, I did a risk assessment that we do on our depressed patients....the results indicate you need a higher level of care".

Wish I could remember all of what my therapist said, but that was the general gist of it. She tried talking me into doing a partial program, either the one at the hospital or the one out of her center, but I declined. She even tried to talk me into going inpatient again, which I also declined. I explained I would be safe at least until Friday because my daughter's last class of the school year is on Thursday, and I have to move her home for the summer.

The Clozaril is making it all but impossible to do anything during the day, which is why the option of going to a day program from 9 am to 3 pm is out. I still haven't upped the dose like my pdoc wanted me to, though he said to try before I see him again, so I still have 2 weeks left. I can't even begin to imagine how awful I'll feel if I up the dosage, especially since I feel completely dead and drugged on the lowest dose, which is 25 mgs. Up it to 50 mgs? Or worse, up it to the 100 mgs he said he'd like to get me up to? Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the crazy one.

I did finally start the Wellbutrin yesterday though. Figured I only have to last a few more days and if it does make me more suicidal, it won't do so until after my daughter's back home. And if it does make me even more suicidal than I already am, it'll also have to give me more energy to follow through with any of the ideas floating around in the vast wasteland that is my brain. Right now I can barely lift my arms, I don't have the strength to kill myself.