Two weeks

A million and one questions have been milling about my head the past several days. Random, strange, bizarre, obscure, hilarious, stupid...you name it, there's one in there. While they can be quite the distraction, sometimes that's exactly what I need.

My therapist is very concerned that my depression isn't any better than it was before I went into the hospital and she's worried about what happens after the next two weeks are up. I told her I would keep myself safe for the next two weeks because I have a lot going on, including my daughter moving back home for the summer. After that, I made no promises about what I would and wouldn't do.

Still haven't taken the Wellbutrin the pdoc added to the Clozaril. I know I should, but all I keep thinking is "what if this time it DOES make me more suicidal?" I honestly don't have time to go back into the hospital and since my family isn't speaking to me, if I was locked up again, there would be no one to help my daughter move back home in two weeks. I'm banking on the fact that the Clozaril keeps me asleep more hours than I am awake to help get me through these two weeks. I might try and start it next week.

I feel the flu coming on and I can't help wondering if the Clozaril is already lowering my white blood cell count, making me more susceptible to germs. Given how rarely I leave the house, I find it a bit odd that I should be getting sick at all. I'm a huge germ-a-phobe when I'm out & about. I don't touch door handles or anything else with my bare hands and if I have to or do so by mistake, I make sure I wash my hands right away or use hand sanitizer. But then again, I've mostly been to the hospital and pharmacy, places where all the sick people go. Germs galore at both.

Speaking of which, I have to go to both tomorrow. Wednesday is blood work day. Guess I'd better get to bed.