296.34 (Cuz I can't think of a catchier title)

Struggling with that blah, dead feeling today; and being on the Clozaril isn't helping any because I also feel drugged and sluggish. I'm hoping things improve soon, but with my luck, they'll only get worse. I'm really not functioning any better than I was when I went into the hospital.

The new working diagnosis code my pdoc is using on me is 296.34 - Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Severe with Psychotic Features. Not sure if that's just the one he needs to use in order to prescribe me the Clozaril and get the weekly blood draws, or if that's what he now believes is what's wrong with my brain. I see him on Friday and hopefully I'll remember to ask.

The therapist is still concerned for my safety and also about the discrepancies in what I told her about my inpatient stay and what little details she received from my case worker while I was there. Luckily she seems to believe my side of things, or at least pretended extremely well that she did. She showed me the discharge papers they faxed to her and according to them, I slept every night, went to all the groups, used the coping skills they supposedly taught me in those groups, and a bunch of other falsehoods.

Slept every night? Seriously? Before the pdoc added the Clozaril on the last 2 days of my stay, I spent most of the night in a chair at the end of the corridor because I didn't want to disturb my roommate. The lights were kept on in the hallway, so I spent most nights trying to journal or just staring off into space because I couldn't sleep. I also had some rather in depth and long talks with one of the night staff on at least 3 occasions at around 2 in the morning.

There was a minimum of 4 groups a day x 8 days = 32. Some days I believe there were 5 or 6 groups. I only attended about 15 groups total the entire time I was there, and that estimate is probably on the high end. I guess maybe they're counting the ones where I didn't realize group was starting and didn't walk out of the room until after they had already closed the door? Who knows.

The deficiencies in charting seriously concern me and I do plan to write a letter to the hospital's President, Medical Director and all the other people in charge. I documented 3 pages worth of problems that not only impacted me, but ones that other patients mentioned as well. By pulling our charts, it should be clear that I'm not being paranoid or delusional, these are legitimate issues that need to be addressed. Heck, I should probably also send a copy to the Illinois Department of Health & Human Services, or whichever state department oversees the operation of psych hospitals.

In other, non-psych related news, I plan to get most of my hair chopped off on Thursday. I've been debating for a really long time on whether I could pull off short hair given how fat I am now, and I decided today I didn't care. I just want it gone so it's easier to deal with. The last time I had super short hair was back in 1990 and I was quite thin back then so it looked good on me. Hopefully it won't look so horrendous that I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. Guess we'll find out in a couple of days.

It's only going on 10 pm, but I'm exhausted, so I'm getting to bed early. Hope that doesn't freak out the old people enough that they call my pdoc and tell him I'm acting weird by going to bed before 1 am.