Monday, February 07, 2011

Not really sure

She swore to me today that she would not have me committed against my will until she feels that I'm an imminent danger to myself or others...the "she" being my therapist. I think it was meant as a warning, or possibly words of comfort, I'm not really sure. Not really sure of a whole lot of anything right now.

I told her I've been seeing things again lately, mostly shadows that I'm certain no one else sees. Told her about the spiders that suddenly crawl from the black spots in the tile of my shower floor. It was hard not to mention that because for the first time ever, I noticed the black spots in the carpeting of her office and I was panicked that the spiders had followed me. I should have noticed the spots in the carpet sooner, because I've been going to this exact same office for a year or two, or even three, maybe four. My previous therapist resided in this office. Why haven't I noticed those spots before today?

I think she's starting to worry, or is at least feigning worry. We keep going around in circles, so I'm never really sure what to think or expect when I meet with her.

My first inclination was to just not show up. Last week when she asked me if I'd return, I told her I didn't know and left. But she knows I don't know how to say no, so she scheduled me for today. I half hoped the receptionist would ask why I was there because I wasn't on my therapist's schedule, but that didn't happen. That never happens.

Refrained from telling her I finally saw the evil that stalks me in the night, because I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it anywhere but here. It came to me in a dream this past weekend and I woke up screaming because I instantly recognized it. It took the shape of a human-sized moth, but it was made of flesh, flesh that had been burned in a fire, still charred and reeking. It hasn't returned since, of which I'm grateful, though I know it shall soon return for it was one of the shadows I'd seen during the week. It hovered above me as I sat on the couch talking to my daughter and only disappeared when I finally dare to glance behind me.

I'm still off the Seroquel and currently taking amitriptyline. Haven't bothered to review the side effects because I figured this med would be the same as all the others. The only reason I even agreed to take it was because I'd never been on it before, at least not that I remember. Must exhaust all avenues right? When I finally do, not a single person had better fucking say I didn't try everything possible after I kill myself.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know you need to back on an anti psych med. I wish you felt better, you can feel better, just take your meds sweetie.

5:05 AM, February 08, 2011  
Blogger Lauren said...

I wouldn't say that about you, about anyone. This disease, these diseases, are evil, horrible fucking monsters that cause immense suffering. I know you're trying to get better.

Keep trying. Please don't kill yourself.

9:26 PM, February 10, 2011  
Blogger FishRobber said...

I'm a little concerned about taking an old-school anti-dep without a stabilizer. Official side effects don't seem too bad, but the anti-dep by itself could make the swings more severe (that was my experience).

Also, I don't think anyone has tried harder than you, for yourself and your daughter.

9:05 AM, February 13, 2011  

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