Monday, November 29, 2010

No limit

Just when you think things can't get any worse...SURPRISE!! Sadly, there is no limit to the shit that gets dumped on you when you're already suffocating on a burdensome pile of crap. I know this, welcome to my entire life, so why do I always seem to be caught off guard when another load lands on top of me?

What's an even bigger surprise is that I actually told my therapist about some of what's going on. Told her about my car needing brakes, tires and that the clutch is sure to blow soon (I'm surprised I've gotten 8 years out of the original one), and I have no money to buy any of the above. I told her that because I'm so stressed and depressed right now, I'm unable to deal with any of my mail, so I open it, take a brief look at it, and then throw it onto the ever growing pile of bills and other stuff that has been accumulating for the last month and a half. I probably should have mentioned that I haven't balanced my checkbook in two weeks and don't have a clue if I even have any money left in my account, but didn't bother.

The biggest stressor, aside from the fact that I'm slowly sliding into a psychotic break from reality, is the letter I got from Medicaid. They send it every year, requesting info to make sure my daughter and I still qualify to receive it, but this year is different. I know that at the beginning of January my daughter no longer qualifies to receive it because she turns 19. What I've previously been told though, is that I also no longer qualify because I don't have a child that qualifies and somehow they consider the measly Social Security Disability check I get each month to be too much income.

Without having Medicaid, I most likely won't qualify for the extra help I get paying for my Medicare medical and prescription premiums. I will also be required to pay doctors and hospitals the percentage that Medicare doesn't cover, which is 20% for medical and I think it's currently at 40% for mental health. Last year, the total of the premiums and what Medicare didn't pay was more than what my income was for the entire year, by about $6,000. Of course last year was a really bad year cuz I had 4 hospital stays, but still. The year before, when I didn't even have a hospital stay, the total was 1/3rd of my yearly income. There's no way anyone can afford to pay out 1/3rd or more of their income every year just on medical bills.

How do they think I make too much money anyway? I can't even afford a cheap, one bedroom apartment anywhere in the Chicagoland area because it would be at least 50% of my monthly income. No one would even dare rent to me if they saw that. 30% is usually the limit, though sometimes you might find someone willing to rent to you at 35 or 40%. 50%? Yeah, no fucking way you're getting an apartment.

No Medicaid basically means no mental health treatment, which is incredibly ironic since I'm disabled by mental illness. Glad I'm still planning my own demise.


Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

It's appalling to me that the people who need help most, are the ones who get it the least. The rich get their tax cuts, tax breaks and expensive, private health care while the rest of us get crushed. This country has discarded those of us who are aren't rich, employed or healthy.

I could so relate to the frustration on your part over SSD saying you make too much. Same here. I get $400 a month -- four hundred fucking dollars a month!! That's it but apparently that's too much for additional assistance. Not even food stamps.

I don't know what this world is coming to, and I worry about us the vulnerable. I wish I had some answers and some words of wisdom but alas, I'm barely hanging on myself.

I figure if the shit hits the fan too much that I'm going to go live in India as a begger. Or move into an ashram. Maybe even a Buddhist monastery. Anywhere but here.

If you can stay alive--do so. It's revenge against the people who want you to go away. Medicaid, the rich, family and selfish fellow Americans who are cruel and heartless.

Don't let them win by killing yourself. I know it's hard but I we need as many people as we can get to keep forcing ourselves into their attention. I refuse to let them push us over. Hugs.

2:45 PM, November 30, 2010  
Blogger tracy said...

i'm so sorry. i wish i knew what to say. As Handsome B said, we're just hanging in there ourselves.

Please know i care. i care so much about you. Please live.

10:42 AM, December 02, 2010  
Blogger Michael said...

Amen to both commenters above. As Bono says, don't let the bastards grind you down.

I think about people like you when I see people on television talk about "socialized medicine" and "wasteful government spending". I genuinely wish they could spend 24 hours inside your head and know what it feels like.

11:02 AM, December 08, 2010  

Post a Comment

<< Home