Same conclusion

I've been trying to quit therapy for years, as some people know. I don't find it the slightest bit helpful. If anything, I actually find it detrimental to my sanity. So why do I go? I could probably list a slew of excuses (and probably have in past posts), but what it all boils down to is fear and anxiety.

Right now, the fear and anxiety center around knowing that if I don't go, I'm almost guaranteed a lengthy inpatient stay because everyone else believes I need to be in therapy. If I quit, everyone else will see that as a sign I'm losing touch with reality and I need to be locked up. Therapy sucks, but being in the hospital sucks even more.

Last week was the first time I've been completely alone for more than a day or two since...who knows when. I was anxious, but I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, with no one there to judge any action as right or wrong. Didn't have to consider anyone else's wants, feelings or needs but my own. I didn't sleep much, but I did a whole lot of thinking. Thought about where I've been and where I'd like to be going. I saw things with a new clarity, but I still came to the same conclusion....life just isn't for me. I'm not suicidal because I'm mentally ill. I'm suicidal because I just genuinely hate being alive.

I shared all this with my therapist yesterday and she tells me I've left her with an ethical dilemma. Terminating our relationship would be the course of action she'd take based on the fact that therapy isn't helping. But she doesn't feel comfortable doing that because she knows I'm just biding my time right now and that suicide is my ultimate goal.

I wish I had the strength to just outright quit, but that's where my dilemma lies. That's where fear and anxiety take hold because it's always me against them. Right now it's fear they'll have me locked up even though I feel completely sane and logical. Other times I feel insane for not believing what everyone else does and doubt whether quitting is a wise choice.

Without expressly stating here it is, I handed my therapist the out she needs, and the one I need as well. At the end of our last visit two weeks ago, which I left angry and frustrated (I'm sure she was equally frustrated), she asked if I'd be back the following week and I said probably not. I didn't show up and she didn't have much expectation that I would, so she didn't call. Had she not called to see if I'd be back this week, I wouldn't have gone back. As long as no one inquired about it, I would have let therapy fade to a distant memory. Quitting without actually telling anyone I was quitting.

So now she knows. Next time I say I doubt I'll be back the following week, just close my case file and forget about me. No more dilemma for either one of us.