That's healthy

Long time no type....again. I still don't have a computer that actually works, other than my daughter's laptop, which is one of the reasons I've not shown up in blogland lately. In the very near future, much to the delight of some and much to the dismay of others, I should return to being a fairly constant presence around here once more. The laptop is about to disappear and while I can certainly live without some of life's luxuries like a TV or cellphone, both of which are dying slow and agonizing deaths but still kinda sorta work when they want to, I can't survive without a computer, so I'll be buying a new one soon.

Which brings me to the main reason I haven't been around. The laptop is about to disappear because my daughter leaves for college in three weeks. THREE. Did you get that? 3! That's all the time I have left. I'd say that I'm devastated, but I try not to think about it, ever. Even while we've been extremely busy these last three weeks registering her for classes and shopping for everything she could possibly need for her dorm room, I don't think about the fact that she's leaving. I had a very brief moment the first day we were at the campus to register for classes and order books where I couldn't hold back the tears, but somehow I managed to quickly stifle them before I turned into a blubbering idiot.

I know, I know...stuffing and avoiding are not healthy coping mechanisms, but I don't have time right now to break down. There will be plenty of time for that after she's gone. In fact that's all I plan on doing once she's gone. Yesterday my therapist tried to broach the subject of the kiddie leaving. Her concern is that I'm poised to fall into a major depression and she wants to try to lessen the blow. Talking about it now won't lessen anything, it'll just induce the depression to arrive sooner and thus prolong the suffering. I've known for years this day was coming, so it's not like I'm going to be blindsided. Right now I'd rather enjoy every single moment I have left with my baby instead of being upset all the time that she's leaving. To me, that's healthy.

In other news, I'm no longer taking any psychotropic meds. Once I gained freedom from the soul crushing hold Seroquel had over me, I felt A LOT better. More focused. More energy. More life. And I was able to fall asleep on my own. It was pure heaven. A week ago I ran out of Remeron and since my daughter had just been given a new prescription I figured I'd wait til that was filled to get mine. Medicaid ended up denying hers so I never bothered to go get mine filled either. Figured I'd take the wait and see approach since I didn't know if it was actually doing anything for me.

I'm currently all energy and no sleep. My mind isn't racing or anything, and there are no strange desires to clean every nook & cranny of the house, I just can't seem to sleep. I go to bed around 1 am, toss and turn for awhile, occasionally getting some very light sleep, and by 3 am I'm wide awake again. I usually end up reading a book (I've read four in the last three days) until 5 or 6 am. I then try my hand at sleep once more cuz I know I need it. Same results though. Toss and turn until I finally give up and get out of bed to start the day sometime between 9 & 10 am.

If I should decide to resume taking medications, I'm going to find a new shrink first. One that is not affiliated with any of the hospitals I've ever been in. One that doesn't know anything about my past diagnoses so that I can get a fresh, unbiased opinion. There is another hospital about a half hour south of me. I don't know if they have an inpatient unit, but I know there is an outpatient "behavioural health" (I will always loathe that term) building on site.

Hope everyone else (or at least the scant few that still drop by my blog every now & then) is doing well. I know I owe a few people emails and I would really like to get caught up on the blogs of others, but I don't have time to get to that today. Hopefully soon.