Thursday, March 18, 2010

Conflicted and confusing

Everything in my head is so conflicted and confusing. I don't know if I'm coming or going, living or dying, sane or insane. Every thought seems right and then instantly wrong. I'm trapped between hell on earth and the never-ending hellish war within my brain, or maybe they are one and the same, I don't even know anymore. All I know is I need to escape this place and I only see one exit sign.

The pain is so intense that the tears just keep flowing, day and night. If I'm alone, I'm crying. I cry myself to sleep at night. I cry when I'm driving here or there. I cry in the shower. It never ends. I find myself clinging to thoughts of suicide, only to end up drowning in guilt over how that would destroy my daughter, which just fuels even more tears.

I tried to tell my pdoc today that I don't have the strength to battle the demon inside any longer, that it wants me more than I want life, so I'm giving up, but I'm not sure that's what came out because he didn't seem to be phased by my words or my tears. Didn't detect any concern in his voice or demeanor. Shouldn't expect that he'd be worried about me anyway. I know he is as frustrated as everyone else that I keep going around in circles.

There is a quiet but desperate urge to reach out to the therapist I just dumped and tell her I don't really want to give up, but other than death, I can see no alternative that is going to offer a relief from the torturous hopelessness and soul-sucking depression. One voice dares me to trust her and give her access to my blog in hopes it will help her understand
so she can help me, but a much louder voice switches on the panic and paranoia and screams that I'm defective to the core and can never be repaired.

I can't hold on, but I can't let go's one hell of a paradox. To escape the contradiction I know I'm trying to force myself to let go. If I stop therapy and stop meds, I know I will sink into a catatonic state where nothing outside myself matters, not even my daughter. It is only when I enter that realm that I can freely chose suicide and abandon guilt. I've been there before, I know how it feels and right now that feeling is beyond inviting and comforting.


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