Not right in the head

In the past four days I've started and then promptly deleted at least two dozen posts. I'll blame it on a chronic case of writer's block. That sounds more acceptable than constantly saying my life sucks (which it does), and I don't really have anything to write about that's interesting. At 2 am I can think of a million things to write about, but by then everything is so jumbled inside my head that forming a complete sentence seems like a colossal task not worth performing.

Saw the pdoc yesterday and after discussing the lack of sleep, the bursts of energy at 2 am that make me want to strip the house bare and clean every square inch with a toothbrush, and possible med changes (which I declined); he put my chart aside, folded his hands and says...

"Your therapist tells me that once your daughter graduates and goes off to college, you don't think there will be a purpose to life so you're going to check out."

It was obvious he chose his words carefully and deliberately refrained from saying "commit suicide", as if he felt that by merely saying those words I would somehow be triggered into action at that very moment.

Since there isn't time to explain that there is so much more behind my desire to die than just a lack of purpose, he's never going to understand. Even if I spent an entire day spouting off all the reasons why life isn't for me, provided all the proof I've amassed over the years, he'd still believe that this is all just a case of "I'm mentally ill, I'm not right in the head, and therefore I'm thinking irrationally".

When he asked when the last time I did the partial hospital program was and if I had completed it or dropped out, I thought for sure he was going to recommend I attend it again. Instead he said that I could still attend the Monday night support group if I wanted to. I had a feeling he wanted to also say "with my parents", but I'm sure my therapist told him that was out of the question.

The Monday night group is essentially for family and friends that want to educate themselves about mental illness and its treatment. It's a repeat of the stuff the patients learn during the day at the partial program, with a slant towards how to use that information in a supportive role. So yeah, not for me.

I lack all hope, how do you find that in support group? Just because others understand my experience with mental illness and other events I've gone through doesn't mean they understand my overall life experience. No one else has had to live my life except me.