Saturday, January 30, 2010

Very distracted

I know it's only been a few days, but January is still d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g on. I'm tempted to just switch the calendar over to February a couple of days early because I am that incredibly sick of looking at the same appointments, birthdays, etc. that seem like ancient history but were just a week or two ago.

I'm a little agitated today and very distracted, unable to focus. I can feel my mind racing, but there is so much haze that I can't make out a single thing swirling around in there. I'm sure I didn't help situation any by staying up until 5:30 am and not taking any Seroquel or Buspar last night. Didn't want to risk sleeping all day and fucking up my already whacked out sleep schedule. Instead I took two Ativan with the hope that it would relax my brain enough to get at least an hour or two of sleep. It wasn't a deep, restful sleep, but I managed to get a few hours of shut eye.

Still struggling with the skin picking. I literally spent at least 5 hours last night engaged in it. I checked out the damage in the bathroom mirror before I went to bed and my entire face was bright red and painful. Fortunately it fades after a couple of hours, but I don't understand why I can' stop doing it. When it starts getting really bad, I try to keep my hands occupied with other things, like typing or painting my nails, or I'll even resort to just sitting on my hands so I can't bring them anywhere near my face. But the distractions end up being short-lived and before I realize what's happening, I find myself back at it again.

Wonder if I should mention anything about it to my therapist on Monday. Our last session didn't go very well. I was very anxious, despite having taken some Ativan before going to see her. I started crying for no apparent reason, which took both of us by surprise. I did give her the information about why my parents should not be involved in my treatment. Figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that since she is still relatively new in working with me that maybe she wasn't aware of just how bad my relationship with my parents is, though I know I've mentioned we simply coexist when she's asked before. I know I've mentioned it to other therapists, but I haven't a clue if anyone noted it in my chart. I also don't know how much of my chart my current therapist has bothered to read beyond the last treatment plan and the hospitalizations I had early last year just prior to working with her.

I do see the pdoc on Thursday, but I'm hoping to get in and out quickly. Just get the refills I need and leave. I have no plans to bring up his stupid suggestion of involving my parents. If he does, I'll make sure to tell him how insulted I was, but I have no interest in discussing that matter any further. It's dead in the water to me.


Blogger Matthew Isaacson said...

I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a difficult time. If I can risk giving advice, take it or leave it, I'd say not to get your parents involved in your treatment. I keep my parents out of my treatment or it would weaken the independence I'm working on building.

7:38 AM, January 31, 2010  
Blogger Laura said...

My parents didn't want any part of my treatment even when I was 14, cutting, drinking, and wanting to kill myself. It was me who went to the doctor alone and asked for help.When I told my mother I went for help all she said was ,"Are you sure you did the right thing?"

7:48 AM, January 31, 2010  
Anonymous eeabee said...

I can't believe the whole parents involvement suggestion. That seems like the last thing that would help at least to me/for me.

12:26 AM, February 07, 2010  

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