Forgotten all the other stuff

My vision has narrowed and all I seem to write about these days is how miserable my life is. I've forgotten all the other stuff that can make blogging enjoyable. Over the next few weeks, I hope to get back to the way I used to post. A mish-mash of everyday life events, comments on news articles I find interested and/or disturbing, plenty more me me me's, etc.

I never wrote about my daughter turning 18 earlier this month, becoming a full fledged adult. Didn't talk about going to Second City and how incredibly funny that was. I've become so focused on how hopeless I feel that it has consumed every aspect of my life.

I'm not idly sitting by waiting for death to show up at my door. I have remained actively engaged in life, at least to a limited extent. I try to schedule tasks each week to distract from the horror that is me. I've even regularly been taking vitamins in hopes they'll somehow contribute to me feeling better at some point. The next step is to finally add some exercise into my day. I already know that exercise isn't going to boost my mood, I was just as depressed when I was 120 lbs and exercising regularly, but it'll help shed some of this excess weight I've been lugging around since I got pregnant.

Nothing has stopped the tears, which spontaneously burst out at the most inappropriate times. But I'm learning to accept that they're going to come whether I want them to or not. If I'm around others, I'll stifle them until I can get away. Anytime I'm alone I just let them flow. It's apparent that they desperately need to be released and I'm so tired of trying to contain them.

The paranoia that I'm an involuntary part of some sick medical experiment has been incredibly intense lately. To hopefully ease some of my concerns I'm going to start requesting my medical records, starting with the partial hospital program I entered in 2003. That seemed to be where I crossed the point of no return, though at some point I'll request medical records from the few therapists I saw prior to that moment in time.

I'm afraid of what I'll find in those records. Afraid they'll be sanitized and missing large bits of information that they want to keep from me, but I have to at least ask to see what I can. I can use that information in tandem with my journals to see what is missing. To see what details they are deliberately withholding and try to figure out why.