Bits and pieces

The double life I lead is wearing thin and as that happens, bits and pieces of the real me are exposed to those that have been none the wiser for years. Glimpses of the insanity within get put on display in front of people I had hoped would never learn the truth.

My cracked facade allowed some very delusional remarks to seep through recently. Since it was in an online community, no one knows that what I said was fueled by the beyond intoxicated state I was in. In the grand scheme of things though, knowing I was drunk isn't going to change anyone's perception of me and what I said.

I was so drunk that I'm not even sure what entirely transpired and therefore don't know just how bad the situation really is in order to rectify the damage. I'm torn between never going back there, confessing and apologizing for what I do remember, and just disappearing for awhile til things blow over and people have forgotten.

If my therapist or pdoc knew about this situation, it'd be more ammunition to use against me in their desperate search for the means to involuntarily commit me to the hospital. They haven't yet been able to get me to even hint at the fact that I may possibly be a danger to myself, so their hands are tied in how much they can intervene. My therapist is smart enough to at least realize that even if there is a plan, there will be no immediate action if for no other reason than there is no one else here to look after my daughter.

Of course her attention quickly shifted to when I'll be able to see her next. She said Monday of next week the clinic is having a mandatory paperwork day, so she won't be able to see any clients. The next several weeks after that I won't be able to see her because the psychiatrist that usually works on Mondays will be leaving the country and because of some fucked up Medicare or Medicaid rule, one is required to be in the office in order for her to see patients.

She kept insisting that I switch my schedule and come in to see her on Wednesday or Saturday, the only other days she works. When I refused, she became increasingly concerned. Eventually she gave me a card for our next visit, which will be December 21st, but said she'd call me every Monday until that date to check in with me at our regular time. I haven't answered my phone or responded to text messages in over a month, so I hope she doesn't seriously believe I'm going to pick up when she calls.