Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Out of ideas

I'm not sure exactly what I said in order to walk out of my T's office on Monday, but it obviously had to sound believable because despite really wanting me to go inpatient, she let me leave. For awhile she was getting downright pushy, hounding me on the issue, however when I gave her no ammunition to use against me, she was forced to back down.

I readily admit that I am starting to struggle, but I'm not in need of hospitalization. I just need sleep, lots of sleep...and I need something other than alcohol to kill the anxiety, which is worsening by the day. I've tried relaxation tapes, deep breathing, tons of different distractions, but the anxiety continues to grow and strengthen. It's been a long time since I've had to deal with this level of distress and I've run out of ideas on how to cope.

It pisses me off that my pdoc will no longer prescribe any benzos. I was taking the Valium as prescribed 99% of the time for quite a few years, yet I'm being penalized for that 1% when I made some bad choices. I acknowledge I made a huge mistake earlier this year, but should I really be forced to suffer through agonizing levels of anxiety for the rest of my life as a result? How helpful is that for recovery?

Next week when I see my therapist, I guess I'll ask her to put the wheels in motion so I can have a consult with one of their psychiatrists. I really don't feel comfortable switching pdocs and I have
no idea how long it'll take before I can get an appointment, but if that's what it takes in order to get treatment for my anxiety, then I guess I have to take that necessary step. Switching pdocs beats drowning myself in liquor or taking up other bad habits in order to cope.


Anonymous Curren said...

Read your blog everyday!
stay strong.....

hope all is well with you
take care!

10:34 AM, October 29, 2009  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Yeah I totally get what you mean about your using Valium as prescribed 99.9% of the time and are penalised for that 1% time when you made a bad choice.

My drug was imovane/zopiclone. I used to be prescribed that regularly, and then once when I abused it, no one would write me a prescription for it. This went on for a long time - several years. Then, when they realised how much I needed it - I was having bad episodes from lack of sleep and they started me on it again - but my case manager would dispense it for me whenever I needed it. She would have some in her office and everytime I wanted one, I had to call her and get it. That was humiliating. It wasn't until recently that they trusted me enough to let me keep them.

Hang in there, Sid. I know it's not easy.

6:53 PM, October 29, 2009  
Anonymous lili said...

Docs are forever doing crap at the most inopportune times. I hope everything goes okay next week. I'm glad you were able to get through this appointment.

Stay strong~

9:20 AM, October 30, 2009  
Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Asshole doctors. They don't know what it's like to live with this shit. That said my pdoc is one of the good ones -- most of the time. He told me that Ativan was addictive but that I needed it anyway so he let's me keep taking it.

I think your anxiety should take prescendence over that one time. They don't need to treat you like a child and punish you as one. All the while you're getting worse and worse mentally.

Now is not a time for them to make this a "teaching moment." Up theirs and everyone else who plays around with others mental health. I hope your docs finally clue in.

6:21 PM, November 01, 2009  

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