Saturday, October 10, 2009

Better huh?

Yesterday I called and cancelled my therapy appointment for Monday. I tried to convince myself it was okay to cancel because I had something more important to do, visit a college campus with my daughter since she will be off school for Columbus Day. The excuse was a feeble attempt on my part to try and assuage the guilt that comes whenever I back out of a commitment, but I knew when I made the call my daughter was already making other plans for Monday and a college visit wasn't on the list.

The reality is, I can't handle therapy. I find it nonproductive and traumatizing, but I can't figure out how to give myself permission to quit when everyone keeps telling me that therapy is what I need in order to get better. That it's what I must do for my daughter. It's just getting harder and harder to even care anymore.

The voices are back, shouting their derogatory remarks all day and night. A pall has fallen over my world, making everything appear dark, dull and lifeless. I'm beyond exhausted. My body feels like it's turning to stone. Each movement more difficult than the last. Lifting my head off the pillow becomes a chore that doesn't seem worth the exertion.

Better
huh? What if there is no better? What if this is all my life will ever be...a constant struggle to get from one breath to the next?

5 Comments:

Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

I bailed out on my most recent therapy for the same reason .. I felt it was getting me nowhere. I didn't even do it in a decent way. I called to cancel one day and just never went back. I wish I could find something that would work for me, even CBT didn't cut it.

5:52 AM, October 11, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please Sid...hang on for dear life. I consider you a comrade. You may think you have no fight left, but you are one of the strongest I know of. Cling to that very important reason for living that you have and know that you are loved and admired by those of us who know of the curse called bipolar...
Jim (a loyal reader and fellow sufferer)

8:34 AM, October 11, 2009  
Anonymous Lili said...

I hate my pdoc too BUT I used to love two of my old ones.

With that said I'd say DTMFA and get someone new when you have the energy.

For years(and years and years) I had sucky pdocs. Right when I was going to bail on them the first time (When I was diagnosed unipolar in error) I found the doc that gave me the right diagnosis. When I switched insurance I lucked out a second time.

Then the next insurance kicked me to the curb with this freaking doc.

I'm just saying: do not give up. I'm so stubborn that I refuse to let a doctor play with my head. At the very least I'll go to therapy just to F up his whole day. That's the blessing of bipolar: the ability to completely blow a therapists head off...

Stay strong Sid.

11:11 AM, October 11, 2009  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Therapy can be tough. Don't feel guilty just because you cancelled one appointment. I totally understand why it would be hard for you to go. I can understand that everything feels like a mountain too esp when you're feeling low.

9:11 PM, October 12, 2009  
Blogger TexAss said...

Therapy has always been hard for me because I've never felt that I get anything from it. It's not productive for me...it's a waste of time and money, yet I know I need it. So where should the line be drawn?? It's a never ending loop.

11:13 AM, October 13, 2009  

Post a Comment

<< Home