Monday, September 28, 2009

Soul-sucking depression

How do you describe what it feels like so others even vaguely comprehend the recurring, soul-sucking depression? The bleakness that smothers every inch of your being until you're suffocating on a stagnant darkness, visible only to yourself, that leaves you feeling beyond desperate for a quick ending, any ending, that finally obliterates all the years of pain and torment. It all seems so vivid in my world, but no one around me can seem to fathom the level of misery I'm drowning in.

Once again they've started in with the "fake it until you make it" spiel. "Do something different." I guess I'm the only one who remembers that I finally took that route last year. I also seem to be the only one that recalls exactly how detrimental it turned out to be....three hospital stays in two months, a whole lot of binge drinking and a suicide attempt.

Why does this hit every single year? Why does it even hit at all? What happened six years ago that completely destroyed my ability to maintain some semblance of sanity on a regular basis? After all these years, why haven't I found an effective coping mechanism, one that doesn't involve self harm? Why does it become so impossible to do even the simplest of tasks, like brushing my teeth? Why am I so cut off from my emotions that instead of being able to feel them, they are manifesting themselves as physical symptoms...headaches, fatigue, nausea, etc?

I'm so tired of this roller coaster, yet I don't know what else to do, what else to try, in order to get it to stop.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Lili said...

Spring and summer are,by far,the worst seasons for me. They always have been and probably always will be. I adjust my meds and cross my fingers but when I'm under I'm under. I cannot explain it. There is no way for me to fake it til I make it. All I can do is keep breathing and wait for morning.

Fall is here and soon I'll even out but I still dread even thinking about spring and the loss of control that comes with it.

Only people that have truly gone through it can understand.

One breath at a time sweetie.

8:22 PM, September 28, 2009  
OpenID patientanonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I completely understand, though. The words you wrote resonated with me strongly. Very. I have been to this place as well. Many times.

The words resonated with me even more as I am coming out of (I hope?) yet another Bipolar Cycling frenzy. I just want to cry right now but I can't. I'm too exhausted, I'm too sick of all of this garbage...

I know the physical symptoms as well. There is so much to the Mind-Body Connection. You wrote about self-care, self-harm. Oh, boy. I understand that all too well, also.

It is so hard to try and find answers, solutions. I wish I could give you some as much as I could myself. I do not want to come off sounding all Pollyanna, either. You know, "Just hang on!" However, at the worst of times, the best of times--even in the middle, that's all that may be left.

At the very least, please know that you are not alone.

Finally, I didn't know about you until now. I am going to blogroll you if that is alright.

Take good care,
PA

8:56 PM, September 28, 2009  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sid,
I know how you feel. I don't know how to get off the roller coaster either. I've been hanging there by the skin of my teeth, just as you are. I know saying all this doesn't change your situation at all, but I would hope that you could find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this.

Polar B

9:18 PM, September 28, 2009  
Blogger the bipolar buddhist said...

I'm struggling with this same thing right now. How to explain? And why bother when no words are adequate and no one will really understand. Thanks for saying exactly what I'm feeling - only much better than I can these days.

9:29 PM, September 28, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

The mind-body connection has always thrown me for a loop. When I went into psychotic depression the physical symptoms were so severe that I thought I was dying.

7:33 AM, September 29, 2009  
Blogger Sheri said...

I agree that those insensitive platitudes can be detrimental. I find that I start thinking that I must be failing since I can't do what these people say I should do. In reality, it's just plain ignorance on their part.

The only way I am able to deal with the rollercoaster is having been on it so many times, I try to tell myself that eventually it will go back up. Granted that's not always good if it goes up too high, but at least I'm out of the "soul-sucking depression." As PA says, "just hang on."

9:17 AM, September 29, 2009  
OpenID journey2balance said...

Thank you for sharing this so boldly and openly here! I know my spouse would echo this lament! And now is again the season where this plague comes again so heavily on so many... I wish I could make it go away for my loved one... for all that I cannot "do"... I focus on "being" present with my spouse through the storm

10:57 AM, September 29, 2009  
Anonymous atorturedsoul said...

Sid, just want to let you know that I am thinking of you.

12:43 PM, September 29, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid, very worried about you...take good care. Consider yourself hugged and held until the pain subsides.
Jim (a fellow sufferer and loyal reader)

7:59 AM, October 03, 2009  
Blogger TexAss said...

I'm here with you. This is the time when life sucks a big one. I just hope for the up swing...

9:43 AM, October 06, 2009  

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