Feel the pull

I'm at a loss for words. I've started at least half a dozen posts in the last couple of days but ended up deleting them all. The thoughts seemed too coerced, too contrived, lacking emotion...

And that's the problem. My entire life feels that way, not just my thoughts. Since my daughter returned to school, it feels like I've fallen into an emotional void. Lightning bolts of rage flash out from time to time, but other than that, there's nothing.

Despite the best of intentions, I end up spending more time in bed than doing the things I feel I should be. I've wanted to clean the house all week, but it took until today to muster the willpower to clean part of the bathroom and do a little dusting. There's no reason for me to have put that and other stuff off all week. There's no reason I couldn't have finished the cleaning today. I feel as if I'm just being lazy, but not really.

I can feel the pull of the undertow, the depression nipping at my heels trying to drag me down, and I'm not sure what direction to go in. I've seen where faking it has gotten me year after year. What other options are there?