Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dredge up the past

So little out of the ordinary has happened over the last few days, yet it seems like each event is accompanied by a flood of memories from the past. Not the distant past, but instead from the summer of 2001 through early 2004. The "descent into hell" years is what I like to call them. Songs I hear, roads I drive on, particular scents, food from certain restaurants...each brings with it a flashback to a time I'd prefer to just forget.

I try to stifle the tears that come up, try to force the images back into the recesses of my mind from whence they came. I have enough current emotional trauma to deal with, I don't appreciate my mind's desire to dredge up the past and rip open old wounds.

Friday was particularly hard. I'd gone to my sister's to babysit one of my nieces while she took the other to get her school physical and immunizations. My daughter was at work and I'd already planned to stay at my sister's house until she got off work since I needed to pick her up.

Driving from my sister's house to my daughter's work took me on a road I have not driven on since March of 2004. I hadn't even realized the significance of the road until my heart began racing and the memories flooded in. Had I not been headed to pick my daughter up, I probably would have pulled over and bawled like a baby.

I don't know why my mind has decided to so intensely and vividly dwell on the past. It leaves me with such an uneasy feeling that I often become nauseated. I'm starting to become paralyzed with fear, worried that anything I do might trigger yet another memory. I desperately hope this comes to an end soon.


Anonymous Lili said...

Oh honey I am so, so feeling for you.I've often wished for memory erasers for specific events. You have my strength.

5:33 PM, August 23, 2009  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I understand that fear. I've had them too. I hope it eases for you soon.

10:34 PM, August 23, 2009  
Blogger Ari said...

I am sorry this is happening.

I have certain songs that bring up memories I'd rather forget. It's not fun.

I hope things get better.

10:33 AM, August 24, 2009  

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