Monday, August 03, 2009

Going to figure out the truth

In talking with therapists and other mental health workers, so much focus seems to get put on the distant past. Everyone wants to explore my childhood abuse. They want to delve into something they view as this huge problem, when all I see it as is a past nuisance I've let go of. The only time my abuse is an issue for me is when one of these mental health people bring it up. The only flashback I ever had to any of my abuse was during a traumatic event I suffered while I was inpatient at the psych hospital.

I don't want to focus on the problems of a six year old being abused. I know where that led me, I'm not an idiot. Instead I want to focus on my desperate decline into disability that began six years ago. I wonder what I would find if I had my medical records pulled from the first partial hospital program I did in August of 2003. Why and/or how did my mental health decline so rapidly after just one week's time in the program that I landed in the psych ward for the first time in my life?

What would the medical records reveal of the subsequent inpatient stays that followed, particularly the two in October of 2003 and the two month stay that encompassed all of February and March of 2004. These are the records that got me approved for disability immediately. What do they say about my mental status that was so alarming that social security approved my application when 2/3rds of all applicants get denied?

This is what I want to explore in therapy. How did I go from a high functioning wife, mother and gainfully employed person to someone that had lost all of their sanity in less than a year? How does that happen? I know that my entire decline didn't just happen overnight, even though it often seems like that. It was a gradual downward spiral that had started several years earlier. But what was the catalyst that caused the gradual to suddenly become warp speed in just a few months? It defies all logic.

Unless it was all a part of an experiment gone wrong. So much emphasis is put on having me look at other areas of my life, as if they're trying to draw my attention away from what happened in 2003. Trying to keep their tracks covered. It's like how so much emphasis is put on my past binge drinking and trying to get me to declare myself an alcoholic when I know the only substance I am and have ever been dependent on is Seroquel. They try to change the focus because I'm on the right trail to finding out the truth, a truth they do not want me to know.

I'm not going to let them stop me. They can try to change the subject. They can alter or outright lie in my medical records if they have to, and I know they have, but I'm still going to figure out the truth as to what they did to destroy my sanity. The truth always comes out.


Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Go you! Be really assertive with your treatment team and hopefully you'll get what you want from them. They are there for YOU after all.

I often wonder what my past hospital records might reveal to me. I can ask for them if I want to. But I don't want to know how past treatment teams have perceived me - especially after my recent experience with the shrink who found my blog. In the end, it doesn't really matter to me; all that matters is that I'm getting what I need now.

11:22 PM, August 03, 2009  
Anonymous Lili said...

I'm also seroquel dependent though we do the prn dance often. I cracked wide open at 35 after years of "superwoman" behaviors.(That was 6 years ago) I think my breakdown was cumulative. I got to the point where I couldn't trust anything or anyone external to me. Then I couldn't trust anything internal, especially my own mind. That made everything surreal and intangible. When that happened-plink! I snapped. I cocoon myself and no longer search for answers as the daily grind to keep breathing takes up all my time. You being a mother-incredible and awesome.

4:37 PM, August 07, 2009  

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