Sunday, July 19, 2009

Drowned out

Paranoia is growing like a cancer inside my brain. I'm suspicious of everyone, of everything. As much as I try to persuade my brain that the thoughts being generated within it can't possibly be true, my own voice gets drowned out by a barrage of "facts" from the other selves which sound all too convincing that I'm eventually left believing that they are right and I am wrong.

I'm trying to remain as calm as I can as my brain turns against me yet again. Trying to rationalize away irrational thoughts that minute by minute seem completely rational. Everything is swirling around in my mind that it's hard to maintain my composure when the paranoia wins out. It's hard not to flip out on people and proclaim them to be liars, stalkers, monsters, etc. Whatever my head wants me to believe they are.

Knowing that this blog makes it extremely easy to be tracked, I went back to being a redhead this weekend. I'd dyed my hair brown earlier this year in an attempt to make myself less noticeable. I figured there were tons of brunettes in the world and I'd blend in better, but all it did was make me feel stranger than I normally do. The red hair makes me feel like a sitting duck to prying eyes, but since I'm feeling that way anyway and have been for awhile, why not at least have the color hair I enjoy most. They know where I am anyway.

I managed to make it through this weekend as things worsened because I only had to leave the house twice and was able to avoid all eye contact. I will be gone for most of tomorrow, I wonder how I will fare when I have no choice but to be out amongst the masses for hours on end.


Blogger atorturedsoul said...

I know exactly what you mean about paranoia. I'm afraid that other people will think I am beyond hope and lock me away. Ok so maybe I am beyond hope but I'm not homicidal--yet. (Who cares about suicidal? Don't lock me up "for my own safety". I hate laws designed "for my safety". I'm a big girl and I can make my own decisions about my life. Sheesh.)

I'm rambling now but I understand. I'm slipping back into psychosis. Fun times ahead. Fun times, indeed. Maybe my imaginary friend will return. I really liked the conversations. lol

3:05 PM, July 22, 2009  

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