Monday, July 06, 2009

Being punished

I'm being punished with this pain, with all this stress, I just know I am. I know that I'm cursed. The problem is, I'm not sure exactly why. Why have I been selected to suffer day in and day out? Even when I try to bring some happiness into my life, I get a reality slap that lets me know that happiness is for others to experience, not me. Why? Why can't I be happy and be allowed to enjoy it for more than a day or at most, a week?

Is it because I took my daughter on vacation to see her grandma and spent money I'd diligently saved? Money that I probably should have used to finalize my divorce, even though that would have meant choosing to place my daughter's need to see her grandma second to the rat fucking bastard sperm donor.

Is it because I refuse to subscribe to the theory that psychotropic medications are helpful?

Is it because I'm a useless fucking human being that's continually a burden on others? Even when I try to be as self-sufficient as my sick mind will allow, I still know I'm dependent upon others in various ways, like needing someone else to provide a roof over my head because I can't afford a place of my own.

Or is it simply because this is my life. This has always been my life. If I'm not desperately hurting in some way, a curve ball is thrown my way to make sure I do hurt, in every way imaginable, all at the same time.

I'm grasping at straws trying to figure this out. It doesn't make sense. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been a good person. Yet I'm the one that gets saddled with all the pain, continuously. It never ends, and probably will never end as long as I try to remain alive.

1 Comments:

Blogger Sheri said...

Pain, stress, and all the awful things in life are not punishment. You're not cursed, it's just that sometimes life sucks. It's not your fault.

Hugs

5:31 AM, July 07, 2009  

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