Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm contradicing myself

At times it's extremely difficult to read my own blog, especially when I'm clinging tightly to the pendulum as it continuously swings from sane to insane, or rather less insane to even more insane, as there is no such thing as true sanity in the world. Reading it forces me to acknowledge that I'm contradicting myself with each post because I'm not holding myself together very well.

I broke down yesterday and left a message for my pdoc to call me. The paranoia wanted to castigate him for ever prescribing the Seroquel in the first place. That I now knew it wasn't meant to help me sleep as I so sheepishly believed, but instead he gave it to me because he was in cahoots with the pharma companies to get as many people addicted to their "DRUGS" as possible. His reward was kickbacks from big pharma and of course increased dividends from the stock he owned in such companies.

Luckily he didn't call back yesterday and instead called at 9 am this morning. After yet another night of no sleep, I tearfully begged him to please call in a script for Seroquel to my pharmacy. I have to wonder what the guy must think of me. Less than a week ago I was refusing to take the stuff and now I'm pleading with him to make some available to me.

So the battle against the medications continues to rage on, but at this point I'm just going to throw my hands up and say I'm not sure where the truth lies right now. Are the medications truly making me sicker or is my mind simply falling deeper into the clutches of mental illness? With my luck, the answer probably lies within that illusive grey area that I can never seem to navigate. In any case, for the next two weeks I need to force the struggle out of my consciousness, it needs to become a moot point. The kiddie and I leave for vacation in a couple of days and my plan is to have as much fun as possible, as if this were the last vacation the two of us will ever share.


Blogger TexAss said...

Maybe the vacation is just what you need. The other day I was so depressed that I wanted to get in my car and just drive...I didn't care where. I hope you have a great time and get some much needed rest. Where are you headed?

9:21 AM, June 17, 2009  
Anonymous jane said...

The way I'm looking at it right now is, I'm going with whatever works. Does the Seroquel help you? If so, keep taking it & stop fighting it. I so know the desire to get off meds, but I strongly believe there will be a right time & honestly, I don't think this is the right time for you to get off your meds.
Your paranoia kinda reminds me of my anxiety. When I get really anxious, I get more anxious when I think about it. And the anxiety is real, just as your paranoia is real.
I've been implementing a few therapeutic exercises to help when I'm on the brink, but I imagine they'd be different for paranoia - so I won't recommend any. Perhaps your psych. or therapist can give you some ideas.

Do you have a DBSA group out there? Or even NAMI? I have gone once & the socialization alone helped. Granted, I didn't stay & talk to anyone, but just the fact that I went somewhere "social" was good.

We all contradict ourselves, especially when it comes to meds... do we? or don't we? Whether or not anyone gets a financial kickback from them doesn't matter, whether or not it helps you is ALL that matters.
(I do get pissed about the financial & kickback part, but ya gotta prioritize here & right now your mental health has to remain at the top)

You're a good egg!

8:42 PM, June 24, 2009  

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