Explode or implode

This weekend I need to bleach my sheets without anyone noticing. As I prepared my bed for sleep, I saw that there were blood stains underneath my pillow and blanket. Normally I try to make sure the wounds have been dry for at least an hour before I lay down in order to prevent such a thing from happening, and I thought I did this the other night, but still somehow blood seeped through my pajamas and onto the sheets. Perhaps the cuts were more severe than I had originally thought.

Rage has been my primary emotion and there are only two ways I know to deal with it...explode or implode. I've done both a great deal this week as I've endured one problem after another. My explosions have mainly consisted of throwing things and screaming out my frustrations with profanities, but usually not while others are around. Imploding has mostly consisted of cutting, with a little drinking thrown in. I was so full of rage two nights ago I went and bought a pack of cigarettes hoping the nicotine would calm me down, a vice I used to turn to in the past. I never even made it through the first one before I decided there was no way I could resume that bad habit.

Surprisingly I did manage to complete some tasks in between the overwhelming desire to commit suicide or murder. The hotels are booked for our vacation and a few activities have been chosen aside from just hanging out at the beach all day every day. I was able to get my surgery scheduled for next month. I even scheduled an appointment with the T for next week.

Attending the morning process group at the hospital on Monday was hard. I'm limited in what I'm allowed to contribute to the group, and that can be frustrating, but I'm glad I went. I managed to ask what the process is for someone that's done the program already but has "fallen off the wagon". That wasn't even in reference to drinking, as the term is so often used. When I say I've fallen off the wagon, I mean that my life is sucking ass more & more every day, and it's getting really hard to incorporate the positive skills I've been taught in order to cope. They said that I should go to the intake department if I feel that's what I need to do.

One of the skills I did learn that I have been trying to utilize regularly is the expressive therapy. During my shopping rampage last week, one of the stores I hit was the art supply store. I bought tons of paper in various sizes, pastel chalks and oil crayons. I've managed to produce several pieces that have the family rather impressed, especially since I've never shown any artistic ability in my entire life. The only time I even have any is when I'm raging or severely depressed and I'm not about to tell them that.

Next week should mess up my already disorganized schedule even more. The kiddie only has three days of school left, but they aren't full days and she doesn't need to be there at the same time each day. The daily confusion should aid in my making my pdoc appointment on Thursday though, so I suppose I should consider it a plus.

I put all the divorce crap on hold this week, except for having to talk to the stupid fuckhead about what's going on. He was insisting that I give him all the paperwork so he can go to the help desk at the courthouse and see what they tell him. Just what I need, to pass things off on the one person on this planet guaranteed to screw everything into a bigger mess...no thank you. He just doesn't want me to consult with a lawyer, because I'm insisting he pay for it since I've paid for everything else.

Of course without even doing anything, he's created an even bigger headache for me in other areas. Either debt collectors are after him or he's in even more trouble with the law because I now have private investigators coming to my house looking for him. I just pretend I don't know him and say no one by that name has ever lived here. I'm not trying to protect his ass, I'm just trying to protect my own. Last thing I need is for them to find out I'm still married to the rat bastard and have them try to come after me for whatever it is they want him for.

With the kiddie's shortened schedule, I'll hopefully be sane enough to call the lawyer and set up an initial visit. Since I don't have time to return to court until after July 15th, it's not a pressing issue, but I realize I can only put it off for so long. I do have to face it so I can finally be legally free and clear of Mr. Shit-For-Brains.