Monday, May 25, 2009

Being cautious

I'm to the point where I'm ready to give up on ever sleeping again. Going completely insane from no sleep would be a far better option than being racked by nightmares each time I close my eyes. Every night since Wednesday I have woken up screaming numerous times and have had to turn all the lights on in order to reassure myself that what had just played out in my mind wasn't real.

In the last one I had early this morning before I finally gave up on sleep, I looked down to find I was holding the decomposing corpse of a baby in my hands. I haven't a clue whose baby it was or why I was holding it. I felt the decaying flesh coming off in my hands as the putrid smell of death hit me and I dropped the thing in the mud from which it appeared to have been pulled. Hours have passed and I still can't get the image out of my head, it's nauseating.

The emotions I so desperately wanted to feel are slow to return. Sadness is the only one that has shown itself with any regularity. Tears start flowing at the slightest provocation. I'm being cautious so as to not linger on the despondency for more than a few minutes so I don't end up wallowing in it. I try to acknowledge its existence, allow myself to briefly feel it and then let it pass. I've been successful so far, hopefully I will continue to be as effectual when the rest of my emotions begin flooding in.

I haven't mention to anyone that I've gone off my meds. I know they'd immediately disapprove rather than try to understand my concerns and be supportive of my decision. Plenty of people cope with mental illness without being medicated, I'd like to be one of them. I think I not only have more skills to maintain control but I'm also actively using them. I know I've unsuccessfully gone off my meds in the past but I realize why. The choice to do so was made abruptly without any thought of how to manage without the chemical intervention. I feel stronger and more in control than I have in the past.

The only concern I currently have about coping is on Thursday, when I go before the judge. I'm anxious about what the outcome will be. I so desperately want for him to sign the divorce decree. I'm confident that I have all the appropriate paperwork and that it is filled out correctly. I don't expect the judge to issue a continuance on the grounds that more information is needed, but I realize that is always a possibility. I just need to remain calm and listen to what he says. Thankfully my sister will be with me for emotional support. This is one instance where I think I'll allow myself to take some medication. I'm know I'm going to need some Valium to help maintain my composure and prevent a panic attack.

I don't typically grasp onto hope, but I'm going to for this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will go smoothly.


Blogger TexAss said...

I am your #1 supporter for going off meds. If I only had the strength to do it, I'd be right there along with you. I understand your concerns only because I have the same ones. I feel stronger than ever, but I'm still anxious about taking that plunge...yet I'm still allowing myself to be plagued by nightmares from which I wake up in a cold sweat. It seems to be a lose-lose situation sometimes...

10:39 PM, May 25, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

Oh, what a horrifying nightmare, i am so sorry. And i thought i was having bad dreams....

12:34 PM, May 26, 2009  

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