Monday, May 18, 2009

Feels like an eternity

As an alumni, I'm allowed to go back to the day program each Monday and attend the morning process group from 9 am until 10:30 am free of charge. I'm also allowed to attend the family support group Monday evenings from 6 pm to 7:30 pm. Last week I didn't go to either because I was being a lazy SOB, so I decided I'd force myself to go today.

It's only been a week since I left the program, yet it feels like an eternity. The memories seem so distant. Most of the discussions I had, in group or during breaks, have all but been forgotten already. The materials I was given and the notes that I took seem so foreign, as if though they are decades old instead of just a few weeks.

I was anxious walking in because I wasn't sure if anyone I knew would still be there. Logic told me at least one person had to be, but since I wasn't getting the sense that I just left the program a week ago, I couldn't help but think that everyone I knew had already graduated and I'd be walking into a room filled with unfamiliar faces. Luckily it turned out to be an 80/20 split and I knew more people than not.

The feeling that recent events are from a distant past has been occurring almost constantly lately. I'm not sure why that is but it's incredibly uncomfortable. It makes the days seem much longer than they really are, as if I'm running on a 72 hour clock instead of a 24 hour one. I thought that maybe it was because I was awake for more hours of the day, but I've never experienced this kind of phenomenon to this degree before, not even when I was working three jobs when my daughter was little, waking up at 3 am and not going to bed until 11 pm.

Wonder if it could be a strange side effect of the medications I'm on, possibly the Cymbalta or the 50 mgs of Seroquel I'm now taking in the morning. I just hope this passes soon because it's starting to drive me mad. I already had enough problems with my memory, I certainly didn't need things to get any worse.


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