In tears

The anxiety was so high and unbearable today that I was literally in tears. I thought I had mentally prepared myself well enough to stand my ground on the whole CD issue, had decided I'd just accept the consequences...be it expulsion from the program and/or being dropped by my pdoc...but I seriously underestimated the level to which my anxiety would rise while staying firm in my choice to not attend those groups. It didn't help that my case worker wasn't in, so I'm left in limbo on the subject until tomorrow.

I did leave a message for my pdoc to call me to discuss the matter because it is seriously jeopardizing my ability to maintain my own safety, which is already compromised by my depression, but he has yet to call me back. He probably saw my name, saw what I wanted to talk about and tossed the message in the trash.

Sitting here knowing my phone could ring at any second, knowing that this matter is still unresolved, is generating more and more anxiety as the seconds tick away. I'm comforted a little by the fact that others in the program with me that know of my situation are all on my side. They agree that I have the right to refuse any treatment I want and that it flies in the face of everything they talk about in their lectures to slap me with what boils down to be an ultimatum. But having other patients agree with me isn't going to garner any sympathy from the staff that are dictating the ultimatum.

I'm trying every trick I have to quell the anxiety. I desperately need to move myself into a better state of mind because my daughter has a choir concert tonight. I don't want to faint or break into tears in the middle of her concert, nor do I want to be sitting there shaking as badly as I currently am.