PHP Day 3

Today was the worst day yet. The panic attack started before I even got to my seat in the first group and it progressively grew stronger and stronger until about 5 minutes into the group when I couldn't take it any longer and I left the room.

They finally realized I hadn't just gone to the bathroom, that I wasn't coming back, and one of the women that runs the group came to find me. I was sitting in a quiet corner just desperately trying to calm down, trying to stop shaking, so I could feel like I was actually getting some oxygen. I told her I needed to find out whoever my case worker was, since no one had said a damn thing about it since I started the program on Monday. She then tells me that she was just assigned as my case worker today.

I asked if I could be switched to a different group, one where I knew someone, instead of being stuck in that room with complete strangers. "We assign people to groups based on need", was the response that I got. Of course I responded that my "need" was to be in a group with at least one person I knew. Apparently we can't be our own judge of what we need because she said they couldn't switch me and that because of my insurance, I either had to go to the group or I'd have to leave the program.

I managed to make my way back into the room, but took a seat right next to the door, instead of the one they were trying to get me to take in between the two group leaders. After about 5 minutes I was called out by a pdoc. It's not my normal one, nor the one I'd seen on Monday. I completely broke down and became hysterical when she asked how I was doing. The fact that she didn't immediately have me sent upstairs to the inpatient ward surprised me. If I had seen someone in the state that I was in, I would have.

Since I can't have the Valium or any other benzo, she prescribed me 25 mgs of Seroquel twice a day to try and help with the anxiety. She then said she'd check in with me tomorrow to see if it helped any and to see how I was doing in general. I went back to group, only to be called out again by a nurse. She asked questions about my medications and my self injury. I again became hysterical and told her I'd been successful at not cutting for about six months until Friday when my world started to unravel again because of the whole therapist situation. She asked to see the wounds, so I showed her that they were all scabbed over now.

The group was pretty much over by the time I returned so my case worker told me to go take a break and then we'd sit down and talk. I told her that I had to meet right away because I was leaving shortly for a mammogram I had scheduled prior to agreeing to do the program. She gave me 5 minutes alone and as soon as she returned and asked what was going on, I again became hysterical. Telling her that it's the anxiety generated by being in the goals group, plus I have to meet with my ex this week about the divorce, that my therapist dropped the bomb on me that she isn't my therapist any more as of Friday just after I got out of the hospital. That everything was falling apart around me and I had no one to talk to about any of it.

Her response? "Maybe tomorrow you can read some of the group guidelines from the sheets you were given when you signed up for the program." She delusionally thinks that by doing this it will help me connect with some of the people in the group and they will somehow be able to help me with everything that's going on. How, I haven't a clue, but that's what she said.

I went to the medical center for my mammogram. Unfortunately, it is just two doors down from a huge liquor store. Since I was still internally hysterical, I really wanted something to drink right there, but couldn't find any of those individual servings of wine, so I bought two full bottles instead. The fact that I returned to the program after my mammogram surprised me, but the groups they had scheduled were in the large room where I could quietly sit in the back, instead of in a small circle, and basically become invisible if I didn't say anything.

When I got home, I received a call from someone about the other PHP. She sounded genuinely concerned for me and the care I was receiving. She used to work at the PHP I'm in right now, but has since moved to this new PHP that was just started in January. I like the groups they offer, but I'd be faced with the biggest problem I'm having with the PHP I'm in now, and I'd have to face it all day, everyday.....being in a small group of complete strangers. I explained that I do okay one on one and I can do good in large groups where I can become invisible, but that I can't function in a small group of 10 people. Unfortunately, their plan is to keep their PHP limited to just 10-12 people at a time. She did say she was concerned that I wasn't getting the care I needed if I was sitting in a large group and just trying to become invisible.

So tomorrow I have a choice to make. Either stick with the PHP I'm at or switch to one that could potentially be worse, but could also be better. I haven't a fucking clue what to do. I'm trying not to even think about meeting with the ex tomorrow evening to go over the divorce documents so I can get that all filed and over with, but I can feel it trying to make its way to the forefront of my thoughts.

I'm almost done drinking one of the bottles of wine and I feel myself wanting to cry hysterically again. I want to cut. I want to down the entire bottle of 60 pills of Seroquel that I just got filled plus every other pill I have on hand. I just want everything to disappear, especially me. I'll most likely just cut again. I can't take all the pills because I promised my niece I'd be there Saturday with my daughter and her boyfriend for her birthday party. There's no way I can break her heart by not showing up. I'm the only person she ever opens up to.