So alone

"It's probably a good thing that you're going to do the partial hospital program now because I've decided to take another position and I will no longer be providing individual therapy sessions."

Hearing those words come out of her mouth were like a kick upside the head as someone else tore out my heart and other vital organs. I almost wish someone had killed me rather than receive the news I got today. I couldn't even stay in her office for the entire hour. I just left and went into the bathroom and cried like a little baby. My daughter was seeing her therapist, so I couldn't just leave the building altogether, though I desperately needed to.

So another therapist is gone, done with me. How do they expect me to keep going on in therapy when this is the kind of shit I continually have to endure? I get to see someone for maybe a year, sometimes less, before something happens and they're gone. What's the point of therapy when I have to start from square one over and over and over again???????

I read all these other blogs, even see my daughter, people who have been with the same therapist for long periods of time and I never get that. I don't trust any fucking body, yet I'm the one that has to keep starting fresh with a new therapist.

Given my somewhat fragile state, this was not the bomb to drop on me today. All I can think about now is fucking just ending it all. I mean what's the point? I can't progress in therapy when I'm always ending up with a new therapist. The medications work for a little while and then stop. What the fuck am I even trying for? History has repeatedly shown that finding and receiving the appropriate help is a fruitless endeavor for me, so why keep trying.

At this point I'm trying really hard not to overdose. Trying really hard not to drink. Struggling to not break out a razor and cut the shit out of myself.

I needed my therapist. I needed her help to get me through this rough time. I'm about to go forward with the divorce and I needed her support and now I'm alone, as usual. I have to find some way to hold myself together through all this stress, all this upheaval in life. I'm not strong enough. I know I'm not.

I've never felt so alone in the world in my struggle for life as I do right now. I'm hopeless and helpless, that's my reality and somehow I have to either come to terms with that or just end it once and for all.