Friday, March 27, 2009

So alone

"It's probably a good thing that you're going to do the partial hospital program now because I've decided to take another position and I will no longer be providing individual therapy sessions."

Hearing those words come out of her mouth were like a kick upside the head as someone else tore out my heart and other vital organs. I almost wish someone had killed me rather than receive the news I got today. I couldn't even stay in her office for the entire hour. I just left and went into the bathroom and cried like a little baby. My daughter was seeing her therapist, so I couldn't just leave the building altogether, though I desperately needed to.

So another therapist is gone, done with me. How do they expect me to keep going on in therapy when this is the kind of shit I continually have to endure? I get to see someone for maybe a year, sometimes less, before something happens and they're gone. What's the point of therapy when I have to start from square one over and over and over again???????

I read all these other blogs, even see my daughter, people who have been with the same therapist for long periods of time and I never get that. I don't trust any fucking body, yet I'm the one that has to keep starting fresh with a new therapist.

Given my somewhat fragile state, this was not the bomb to drop on me today. All I can think about now is fucking just ending it all. I mean what's the point? I can't progress in therapy when I'm always ending up with a new therapist. The medications work for a little while and then stop. What the fuck am I even trying for? History has repeatedly shown that finding and receiving the appropriate help is a fruitless endeavor for me, so why keep trying.

At this point I'm trying really hard not to overdose. Trying really hard not to drink. Struggling to not break out a razor and cut the shit out of myself.

I needed my therapist. I needed her help to get me through this rough time. I'm about to go forward with the divorce and I needed her support and now I'm alone, as usual. I have to find some way to hold myself together through all this stress, all this upheaval in life. I'm not strong enough. I know I'm not.

I've never felt so alone in the world in my struggle for life as I do right now. I'm hopeless and helpless, that's my reality and somehow I have to either come to terms with that or just end it once and for all.

2 Comments:

Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

You're stronger than you think. You've somehow survived up to this point and judging from this blog, that's been no easy task. It must have been a devastating blow to find out this therapist won't be staying either.I can understand your pain over this because I find it difficult to trust too so having to start all over would make me feel as you do. Hang in there.

4:30 PM, March 27, 2009  
Blogger Immi said...

I've had the same problems with therapists. I lose mine in a couple of months, and I've only been with her for a little over a year. Who knows what the next one will bring. It is difficult. We just hang in there, though. Nothing else to do, really. You can handle it, you're that strong. Even if you don't want to be. *sending hugs your way*

8:08 PM, March 27, 2009  

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