Sunday, March 22, 2009

I'm ready

A few days ago I sent an email to the stupid fuckhead ex telling him that my previous obligations got switched around and I was ready to proceed with our divorce. I asked if he was able to help pay for any of it as well, but I highly doubt he will. Either way, I really want to go forward with this during the week of March 30th and finally get it over. I've yet to hear back from him though.

During the last two days, I've learned that concentrating on the divorce is bringing up feelings I had buried away. A gaping wound is still bleeding deep inside me from his infidelity and the breakup of our marriage. Several songs I've listened to lately, ones that were popular at that time and held meaning to what was going on, keep triggering tears.

Easy fix you're thinking, don't listen to those particular songs. Truth be told, I need to listen to them. I need to face what happened, deal with it and discard it, rather than doing what I did, tried to bury it deep inside and pretend that those feelings, those emotions were unimportant. That he wasn't worth crying over. I never properly grieved that loss. Now is the time to do it.

I am still in a fragile state since I've only been out of the hospital for a week and I'm drinking nightly, but I don't think there will ever be a perfectly safe time to go through the grieving process, so why not do it now. Now while I have the money to pay for the divorce. Now while I have the desire to move forward. Now while I'm ready to face the past, let go and leave it all behind me.


One of the reasons I know I'm absolutely ready, despite the tears I've started to cry again, is because I asked for help. I asked two different people if they would go to the courthouse with me to file the paperwork, and I never ask anyone for help. I want someone there to help me understand all the steps I need to go through. To help me ask the questions that need to be asked. Just someone to lean on.

It's been a long time coming, but I AM READY!

(Just a side note in response to an email I received, because I guess I didn't explain this very well, especially with the line "he wasn't worth crying over". I cried enough tears over him years ago, and he is not what I need to go through the grieving process over. I have no feelings one way or the other about him anymore, that's been over and done with for a long time. It's the loss of the marriage itself that I need to grieve, if that makes any sense.)

2 Comments:

Blogger Janes Insane said...

I think you're right. This seems like the stars are in alignment (so to speak) and the time is now. That's not to say it won't be difficult, painful, excruciating, but we're all here for you.
I think after the divorce is done you may feel liberated. What I think is most important though, is that you are empowering yourself, that's HUGE.
I know I don't comment much, but I'm always here keeping up w/you.
Take care & stay safe.

12:41 AM, March 23, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

It's a huge step forward to be able to reach out to others when we need help. Good for you. I hope everything goes smoothly with the divorce.

10:39 AM, March 23, 2009  

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