Friday, February 27, 2009

Don't have the strength

I'm not in bed and I'm not out driving my daughter guess where that leaves me? Drinking! Yay! At 2:45 pm, I've already popped open a bottle of wine and have sucked down one of the three glasses it'll take me to finish it off. My wine glasses are in storage, so I resort to using coffee mugs. I've thought about using plastic cups, but that thought makes me feel kind of wino-ish, one step away from drinking straight out of the bottle wrapped in a paper bag. Yanno, something a true alcoholic would do.

The thought flashes through my mind "I drank nearly a gallon of beer last Saturday (3 ounces shy), I have finished off 3 bottles of wine since then and I'm working on my fourth in the middle of a Friday afternoon; aren't you already a wino? A drunk?" No. I'm merely a binge drinker that's binging a lot lately. I could stop tomorrow and never have another drink...ever. However, should I decide to have a drink say, 10 years down the road, I still would not be able to drink just one. I'd still have to drink a whole bottle of wine or a gallon of beer, and I still would not get sick or blackout from it. That's not denial, that's just how my tolerance for alcohol goes.

To distract from the rage that's been all-consuming, I'm constantly cranking the stereo in my car to its maximum and playing the Appeal to Reason cd by Rise Against...over and over. Then I sing along at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice. I'm listening to the cd on iTunes right now, but can't crank it very loud cuz I'm not the only one home. Not sure what it is about this cd that helps soothe the beast a little. Probably because it has touches of anger in the lyrics and other elements that mirror my thoughts, my life. Plus the music itself is mostly fast & aggressive. They're a rather political band, which is the only thing I dislike about them, but I can get past that because they really fucking rock. Their lyrics are great too, like these from "Strength to Go On"...

But the heart reveals
What smiles betray

Your sad sad eyes gave you away

And don't you know

Our shoulders bear an awful weight
But still we trudge on just the same

Our colors run then leave a stain

They blacken our once honest name

But how can we argue, tell me

Over the fury and the fire

How many times can we tell you that we

Are not like you, we see right through

Your poor disguise that fails to fool

The wary eye that's trained on you

What we are is the sum of 1000 lies

What we know is almost nothing at all

But we are what we are till the day we die

Or till we don't have the strength to go on

Till we don't have the strength to go on

I am what I am til I don't have the strength to go on...that's so incredibly true....and I'm running out of strength.


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