So damn tired

Wasn't feeling well when I arrived to see my therapist today, so I decided to go to the washroom in case I had to vomit. As I'm washing my hands, my last therapist walks in. You know...the one that said she didn't know what to do with me anymore, "that everything she's tried, the conventional therapies that everyone else responds to, don't seem to be doing anything for me except making me worse." She then told me that I should "go back to drinking and cutting, because even though they are negative, I wasn't harming anyone but myself with them".

Anyway, she says "hi" like she's all excited to see me. I ignore the bitch and go about my business, so then she says "oh, so I'm not even going to get a hello". Without even looking at her I tell her I think she's a fucking cunt, why would I want to say hi to her and I walk back out into the waiting room.

Apparently this offended her because she immediately tells my therapist about the incident before she comes to get me from the waiting room. First thing my therapist asks is "can we discuss what happened in the washroom". I told her there was nothing to discuss. I say that I couldn't believe after what that woman did to me when she was my "therapist" that she had the gall to ever even speak to me again. Of course my therapist says "well, don't you think there was a better way to handle the situation?" I said fuck no. The fucking bitch is lucky I didn't punch her in the mouth and knock half her teeth out.

She writes her little notes on her legal pad and then changes the subject to "you seem far more agitated than I've ever seen you before. What's going on?" So I gave her the laundry list....

I ask about the pdoc and if he's contacted her. Wasn't surprised at all when she said no. So then I went on a rant about how he's a fucking liar and that if he doesn't fucking want to treat me just fucking tell me, don't be a pussy and dance around the issue. I told her I knew he was lying about the whole clinical trial and that I'm sick and tired of being fucking jacked around. I can spot bullshit a mile away.

Then I told her I was pissed off because some stupid fuck hit my car, leaving a nice huge dent in the rear quarter panel, but no note. So I have no fucking idea who did it. From the height at which the dent is, either someone deliberately kicked my car or it was hit by an SUV. My guess is it was some stupid fucking SUV driver since most of them can't drive for shit.

There were several other things as well, but at this point I can no longer even remember them. She kept talking about how she knows I won't hurt myself before Monday because of the obligations I have planned with my daughter, but what happens once Monday comes and my schedule is empty. I told her that right now, what little energy I do have, is being used to hold myself together to get through the next several days, I can't even think of what will happen next week. I said I'd cross that bridge when I come to it.

For once she didn't make me promise to keep myself safe until I see her again. I suspect she knows I won't. She just told me to try not to drink because alcohol is a depressant and that it keeps the medications from working. I'm like...oh, because they're working so good right now anyway? All they're doing is killing my liver. I can kill my liver with liquor if that's what I need to do to get me through right now.

I've never been so damn tired in my entire life. I'm either in bed, driving my daughter somewhere or drinking. That's what my life has been parred down to. That's not even life...that barely borders on existence.