Thursday, February 19, 2009

Just drunk

I gave up trying to pluck my entire leg of hair and pulled out the razor blade to finish off the lower half of my left leg, about a quarter section worth. I then broke out the last bottle of wine I have in stock. I love wine, but it's an expensive habit to keep up with. I'm intoxicated from drinking the entire bottle, which according to my magnifying glass, has 13.5% alcohol by volume. I don't know what that equates to, but the bottle is 750 ml. I feel drunk. Not to the point where I'd puke or black out, just drunk. Luckily I'm a happy drunk, or there would be a huge problem to address once I actually reached sobriety in the morning.

I confessed my drinking and drug habit to a guy I've known online for about 5 or so years. A guy that himself was once an alcoholic and drug addict. I think he's hoping I'll have sex with him, but there's not enough alcohol in the world that would get me drunk enough to do something that I know I'd regret, such as having sex with random Internet strangers. Plus he lives many states away. I just wanted to know how he handled sobriety. Did he do it on his own or did he resort to an inpatient program.

I'm not sure what to say to my therapist tomorrow. There is no way that I can go into the hospital this coming week (the 21st of February to the 1st of March). I've already made plans to go out with a girlfriend this weekend that I haven't seen in two years. She knows I'm a psycho, but loves me anyway. We talked for at least two hours the other night, neither of us realizing it'd been such a long time since we'd last spoke. We're going out for dinner, drinks and a movie on Saturday. She recommended dinner and drinks BEFORE the movie because I told her of my excessive drinking. She's hoping that by the time the movie's over, I'll be sober enough to drive home. Personally, I don't care if I am or not. I'll make it home.

I used to drive drunk A LOT when I was about 21 or 22 and always made it home safely. I realize now it was stupid and I could have seriously jeopardized not only my own safety, but that of others on the road with me. I'm sure if I drink and then see a movie, I'm almost certain to make it home just fine....unless some other drunk on the road hits me. If I'm still drunk though, my girlfriend will insist on driving me to her house and making me sleep it off before she lets me drive. She's that kind of friend..a good, caring friend.

My daughter's musical is quickly approaching. It's the 26th thru the 28th. I volunteered to help out and they have me scheduled to work on the 28th. The next day is March 1st, which again is the day we have tickets to go see my daughter's favorite musical of all time, Chicago. If I can just survive til then, I honestly don't care what happens after that. Lock me up and throw away the key for a couple of weeks. I'm fine with that.

I just need to be released by March 19th because that is the day before Spring Break starts. We're headed down South to visit my daughter's grandma the week after the 19th. She needs to see her grandma. With her grandpa passing so suddenly, so quickly, my baby needs to see her grandma as much as possible.

The ex has tried to put me in the middle of our daughter and him again. He sent an email asking how he can reconnect with her since "it's killing him" that they don't spend any time together. I can't even remember if I wrote about this, but my only response was that I can't get sucked in between the two of them again. My only suggestion was for him to write her a letter, though I know full well that if she saw who it was from she'd simply chuck it in the garbage.

Think I'll go chat online for awhile as I wait for my meds to kick in and send me into my nightly coma.


Blogger anna said...

I hope you are okay today and everything went well. Be strong. I know it's harder than fucking hell but I've been reading your words for a pretty good while now, and I know that if anyone can do it, it's you.

I am always here if you need me.

9:43 PM, February 20, 2009  

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