Paralyzed

Never under estimate the intuition of a woman. Turns out I was absolutely right about the pdoc just wanting to check and see if I was lying about still seeing my therapist. Guess he called her right after I left his office yesterday morning because, according to her, "he's extremely worried about me". I'm sure he was just hoping that I was lying about still being her patient, it would have helped clear his conscience of knowing he's breaking his promise by giving up on me.

When I mentioned the clinical trial, she said that he had mentioned that to her as well, but didn't provide her any information...or at least if he did, she wasn't willing to share it with me. Instead she said that he never mentioned anything about forwarding the information to her to give to me. I told her it didn't matter because I wouldn't qualify for any of the clinical trials I was able to find out about online last night.

I have a feeling he might have said something to her about having me locked up immediately if I mentioned any intention of acting on my suicidal ideation because she seemed to linger on that topic longer than usual.

"Would you say you're at the same point emotionally with respect to that?"

I was honest and said no, I'm doing worse. I didn't mention the erratic behaviour and moods I've been experiencing lately. Didn't mention the nightmares or the evil stalking me in the night.

"What are you doing to help yourself deal with the fact you're feeling worse?"

The only thing I said was that instead of facing off against the rage, I've been taking extra Seroquel to put myself into a drug induced coma whenever I don't need to be out driving the kiddie around somewhere. If I'm asleep, I can't hurt myself.

Avoiding the rage, the deepening depression and the psychotic symptoms by taking more Seroquel and Valium, drinking and starving myself is a dangerous path to be on. But the catch-22 is that facing those things head on is just as dangerous. I'm in a damned if I do, damned if I don't position. I'm paralyzed in place.