Friday, January 30, 2009

Again

It happened again...the horrific nightmare that turns out to be very real. This time I didn't physically feel the weight of the beast, but I sensed its presence in the room. Instead of wondering why it was there, I knew the instant I woke up why it is haunting me. It doesn't want to manipulate me into harming anyone else or even myself. It wants to take my life itself.

I tried at first to ignore what was going on, kept trying to convince myself it's just an illusion, my mind is playing tricks on me. I tried to fall back asleep because I was so incredibly exhausted. But the minute I'd close my eyes, I felt the beast getting ready to pounce. After trying several times to just go back to sleep, I eventually became so terrified that again I ran to turn the light on.

Last time I questioned if medications might be the cause. I thought maybe the mixture I'd consumed, even though I'd taken it before without any problems, might be causing me to hallucinate. This time though, meds were ruled out because I took the same half dose of Seroquel and Buspar that I take more often than not. I also wasn't on Norco this time, nor was I on it the very first time this happened either.

With the lights glaring in my face, I tried several more times to just go back to sleep, but each time I closed my eyes, I saw a darkness pass between me and the light. Horrified it was pacing next to my bed, waiting for me to return to sleep, I forced myself to sit up and keep my eyes open for an hour. At some point I eventually passed out again, but kept waking every half hour or so, until my daughter came to wake me to get ready to drive her to school. Her first question was "why was your bedroom light on already when I came downstairs?", something she's not used to seeing since she comes down an hour before she wakes me in order to shower and get herself ready.

I'm beyond exhausted since I didn't get much of any sleep last night and I wasn't able to get back to sleep after returning from dropping the kiddie off at school. I feel as if I could literally fall asleep right where I am, sitting upright, typing this post. I think I'm going to just leave all the lights on and see what happens tonight.

I just thought of something. My daughter has mentioned a few times over the past couple of weeks that she has heard a strange noise coming from my room when she comes downstairs either to get ready for school or if it's a weekend, to come and fall asleep in front of the TV for awhile. She likened the sound to a growling noise. I dismissed it as maybe I snore and just don't know it, but she distinctly chose the word growl to describe it. I wonder if she's hearing is the beast within.

I'm absolutely petrified to go to sleep.

2 Comments:

Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

Your experience sounds horrifying. I hope you're able to get some rest tonight.

8:30 AM, January 31, 2009  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sid,
Sorry to hear you have such an awful time at nights.

Hope the spectres ease somewhat and give you some respite from it.

3:49 PM, February 01, 2009  

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